Updating a bit

Feel like should update on my story as have already shared much of recent struggles on this blog. And suddenly things were very much more positive for me, as my housing situation is solid and can social distance.

The pandemic really brought what is really important into focus, and I am thankful that focusing on my mental health was the best decision where was critical receiving needed community support! Bibb County has been a lifesaver for me. Where have explained much in prior posts.

Am still trying to process 2020 as is coming to an end, and still am puzzled at the disastrous response of US federal government to a known threat--pandemics were definitely predicted. There were plans not followed. And so many in this country have died where we lead the world in infections and deaths from the current pandemic.

But also businesses that were supposed to have risk management clearly did not. And despite having resources to prepare, clearly did not. Yet begged for federal bailouts with no shame.

What happened really? Guess we learned much apparent success was fake. And we learned that gamblers made profits taking risks that lead to mass death. We were fooled in a world that was shattered very quickly and now we're trying to adjust in this new one.

By we, feel like am talking about most people who struggled or were doing ok, or even well, in the world that was; who thought our world was well defended.

Yet a single lethal virus quickly revealed the truth as it penetrated nations globally and now continues.

Am still working on reaching complete health where focus is on my mental health. And my perspective turned upside down as realized how lucky I am. Got to real treatment just in time, before a world ended.

Now feel like humanity has a brave new one with focus becoming clear. And maybe we all can better figure out--real success.

When support tests relationships

Am in a unique position appreciate more and more. My major stressor for over a decade has been trying both to handle global attention as revealed by third party sources like Google, Twitter and Pinterest though web analytics, but also to appreciate my own mental fragility in certain areas.

Before did glide along as like to say, with a sense of handling things and taking care of myself as a very independent person, while feeling frustrated with my wariness in relationships.

And THOUGHT was more advanced in talking sexual abuse by two teenage girl babysitters when was 5.

But was shocked to get massive relief recently by FINALLY talking being beaten till I bled by my father when was 6. Where concluded was legacy slave training, which afflicts a population in the US not facing a brutal legacy.

Can be difficult to explain my mental things I think, even to myself. Feel like is against my training to properly accept. And now have come up with an analogy I find useful and will share as think will probably use a lot if really works well.

Like imagine a runner, who develops a hairline fracture in one or both legs, and GOES TO a doctor, who diagnoses it, and gets a treatment plan, which includes plenty of leg rest. But that runner's family? Gets tired of that person lying around and suggests is actually lazy...why not running like in the past? (Even though doing OTHER things MASSIVE with global reach, just not...running while legs are healing.)

And let us say that person exhausts family support and goes to others. And gets shocked at times, by a jolt, from some people supposedly helping trying to jolt into a run!!! Turns out? These people are looking at the person and are like, they don't see anything wrong.

Ok, well doctor...they don't believe in doctors, or any of that nonsense...they just know when people don't want to work! Or, um run. And this analogy begins to stretch credulity with PHYSICAL concerns.

But how many may know people who do NOT believe in mental health concerns? Maybe do not believe in any of it, think is all a way for lazy people to get over or, maybe think they just need religion? Or something else wacky?

So they PUSH and can happen that there is some break, as a person in mental and emotional AGONY, can respond like someone who has a hairline fracture in their legs being pushed into running all out, by others who refuse to care.

Am lucky though. As I process through my situation am more into leveraging it as well. And more into having no pity: if you are supposed to help people and refuse to accept medical diagnosis? Then I have no problem with that not working out well for you.

As get useful medical care, and continuing support thanks to being a veteran, and thanks to Bibb County, through Macon Housing Authority, appreciate the simplest thing: support that has the goal of real recovery.

Have run into people who clearly prefer to play games with other people's lives. And I'm like, ok.

We will witness, where we are the world, how that works out for you.

Which to me is a promise of transparency and as well as I can, best process.

Public works better for both. And in my opinion, is far safer too.


James Harris

When truth is of hurt

There can be a problem with shame. Am 50 years old now, and most of my life have been ashamed of the fierce beatings received as a child. Including my most memorable one at 6 years old when was beaten so badly with a leather belt, my legs were bleeding.

Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.

But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery

Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.

There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.

Yet how can you convince them?

Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.

My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.

Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.

We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.

The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.

Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.

And lets me talk these things out publicly.

So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.

Talked with: Facing eviction now

And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.

Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.

I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.

But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.

Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.

Luckily could go to Salvation Army.

But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.


James Harris

When you value your work

Have wanted to be a writer since was a kid, and should also add, after a short story as a child amazed adults around me. And luckily for me, am much into learning what something can take, and long ago learned to read a LOT, and very importantly--gather life experiences.

Which can be an excuse for the road not usually traveled often, but also can mean that you take for granted that making money can become a problem. Where also long ago accepted might not ever make a living as a writer. And for that reason and others, appreciate that I have a LOT of job related skills and like to think value doing a good job.

So when a burst of activity pushing trying to make a living with my own things, like my writing failed, and ended up evicted and in a homeless shelter, part of me was like, ok. But also was EXTREMELY disappointed as am used to succeeding at things when exert MAXIMUM effort. And I did try, very hard. Making money with my things still eludes me.

After months in the homeless shelter where being a veteran allowed that to even happen as they had started up a program for veterans, there was an opportunity opened up. I could go to VECTR center in Warner Robins, GA, USA, and get more help as a veteran. And thankfully was taken there.

Told them my story. And was reluctantly convinced more schooling could help and talked into a class on networking which would lead to CISCO certification. Was like, ok, well at least is in IT. But still, have a DEGREE in physics and have worked as a software developer AND have a current open source software product used all over the world. But hadn't figured out how to make money. Where was increasingly more suspicious--was something else going on with ME maybe?

But signed up for it, and then was told instructor wasn't available. And THEN was signed up for heating and air, and was like, huh? But what could I do? Had been in a homeless shelter for months, and became convinced of a new plan: would pick up new job skills so could at least make money and support myself.

Which made sense to me as want to be a writer, and would just be yet another move down a path that might not seem obvious to others, and could gather more life experiences. So I rolled with it.

Not surprisingly to me the classwork was easy for me, so was a top student, but have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University, so was like...duh. But lead to all kinds of things including a car and was very grateful, but also lead to housing from Macon Housing Authority.

And then realized also had some mental things going on that needed addressing. But the pressure was on to work, and with help, ended up actually working in the heating and air industry, which lasted for just under two months.

Am proud of the work I did. Consider that heating and air means as one business owner emphasized: workers are going in when those things are NOT working.

Like in Georgia, USA, can mean stunning heat, like going into hot attics where person is IMMEDIATELY drenched in sweat. Or in winter can deal with stunning cold.

Is actually a highly skilled profession too, where can be doing important electrical work in those conditions. And requires a basic level of ability at about the level of an entry level construction worker, including facility with a variety of hand tools. Luckily for me at least was good with a portable electric drill, which is used so much is like a third hand.

Here's a picture of my impact driver:

Love those things. Oh and got an idea from that removable battery it has--why not hotload electric buses? Bus with a low battery could roll in to depot, battery is switched out, and bus could immediately roll on. Have NO idea if that is already done or not, but like to just toss ideas out there.

But yeah was still definitely a newbie and was AMAZED at very patient teaching from technicians who were more patient and dedicated in explaining things to ME than I have ever been on the job. And guess it partly has to do with the reality they face: LOTS of turnover.

Was told often had to try to work with people with even fewer skills than I had, which amazed me.

But also worth noting something else I found out VERY odd and disturbing: when talked about going into heating and air with other veterans? Was stunned to often find they had also received training in it, but were they still doing it? No.

Is like is some go-to field for trying to introduce struggling people. Um, is an all-weather field that requires rugged individuals who can lift often heavy air conditioning equipment. Lugged quite a few rather heavy bulky items up stairs with sometimes one or more technicians helping.

That is NOT for everyone. And why try to shoehorn so many veterans into one area? And how does that impact reception in that industry?

People I interacted with were often amazing and got along well with them--except for TWO people who lead to me getting fired. Which was ok really. (Yeah write that. But yeah who likes being fired? I don't.) Had begun to really wonder about that path, like when was on a construction site on some beams looking down at the distant floor.

How could people supposedly working to help veterans be so casual with what it might take for any particular veteran to do a job?

And I think is just not really considering the details. Feel like they just know is an open field, which needs LOTS of people, where pay is good. Which to them is enough. It should not be.

In my case though realized, had other important things to work on, with my mental health, and a unique opportunity, which could not pass up. And now? Feel immensely better and really is about Macon Housing Authority. Where yeah that is including mental health care. And has been far better than support from the VA. Maybe VA should talk to them for guidance on better.

Sadly after the publicity was done, which included a LOT of television appearances, readily admit distanced myself from VECTR staff. Sure they were VERY helpful in ways, like helping me with food and money.

But more I talked mental health? More I realized was a subject NOT welcome. And when the pressure to just continue to some other job after lost that first one was relentless? I simply pushed away. Thank God.


James Harris

Going well where matters most

Am still amazed at support am getting from Macon Housing Authority. Was a key thing for me last year getting a housing voucher, which lead to me staying at a place which is very supportive for people with mental concerns.

After my short stint working in the field of heating in air which I talked in this post was a bit surprised to find myself going through a healing phase.

And should add the work was for the most part a great experience even if a brief time. Met a lot of great folks, including talking to more than one person surprised was going into the field at THIS point in my life.

Most of the folks were half my age and will put out there that if you have the skills is an area where you can come from a lot of different backgrounds.

Well I have lots of skills but they also include coding for computers, and lots of other IT including tech support. And have been an office worker my entire life. Felt really like something went wrong with direction which talked in my post where acknowledged financial challenges remain.

Support staff with Macon Housing Authority though--have been life savers.

And things are going well now and they are helping me address more things! Will admit had been wary about going to them, having had a lot of bad experiences in the past--when felt like people were not really listening. And discussed that in THIS post where was specific to VA, where things have gotten better too.

Also found myself thinking of a post from YEARS ago: Thoughts on my story

Where talked how ended up with highest SAT of my graduating class. And yeah went on to Vanderbilt University, where got my degree in physics. And I like to talk about my story. But had some people decide, and I mean DECIDE I should be a heating and air technician and apply a LOT of pressure on me. And have to wonder. What do they think they know better than I do?

Is like am talking to people not really listening. With no concept of consequences either, which I find odd. Am a VERY public person, you know?

Like an example of what I mean about NOT listening to me? Repeatedly have had suggestions to work for the federal government, as gives priority to veterans. Well I don't want to work for the federal government and AM outspoken with our current president. Here is an example:

@POTUS Am confident you were NOT raised by wolves. Or course if you wish to poop wherever, run around without clothes and howl at the Moon?

Maybe can go live in the woods anyway like a wolf.

But if wish to live in cities with your fellow humans? 

Then you need to follow RULES.

Here is link to that tweet on Twitter. And I really like that tweet. I think it is extremely on point, and also rather clever--confident not raised by wolves? Ok. So what's this nonsense about ME working for the US Government?

Closing in on a year since was given a car and not surprisingly there is follow-up interest. Am thinking my story shows the reality of coming back from struggle, where progress can be in fits and starts, and focus on COMPLETE health, is the priority. Complete health of course includes mental health, and glad to be able to publicly admit--am working on mine.

Been editing this post and that will continue. But feel like left off something should address--greater difficulty in talking mental health in Black Community. Where have a dark explanation, which is MINE, and wish to emphasize.

But is like where noted in a previous post was shocked to learn that whipping could kill an adult from shock if that adult had never been whipped. And yeah, to me should be common sense that American slavery could have lasting consequences. And like, what would happen to a severely mentally ill slave?

Do not think have ever noticed that discussed. Am confident would not end up in a mental asylum, and you cannot beat someone out of mental illness--only makes worse. And cannot just talk out of it either, so my suspicion is that they were simply killed. Could be wrong, would like to know if there is anything from historians on this subject. But if so, yeah that could explain a learned reticence among slaves to talk mental problems which continued after slavery ended over 150 years ago.

There is a reality today that begs for explanation and think American slavery can reasonably be suspected to have much to do with it.

Mental health is part of complete health and should not be a source of shame when a person needs medical care in that area any more than needed medical care for physical problems.

For all we know, for a long time for a slave, mental illness could have been a death sentence, and if so, the community would have worked hard to hide for as long as possible. And yeah there is speculation there, but if is correct that needs to be addressed so can be dropped.  Slavery ended over 150 years ago will repeat, but Black Community cannot end its influence if not facing all it might have inflicted upon its victims.

We can face the truth.


James Harris

Here I go again

Update Oct. 6th: Still have web, thank God. Things are still in progress though. But working on my mental health with greatest focus? Priceless.

Update 11:29 EST: Cox Cable gave me till October 5th to pay full balance, without service interruption. Good people there.

Well things were looking up in ways, but then again, was still troubled with how things were working out. Talked here about how using programs supposed to help veterans lead to me being evicted for the first time in my life.

In a shelter for MONTHS the plan ended up being me getting more training, even though I have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University and currently have an open source software program used around the world, and can do technical support in IT.

Well I rolled with it, as what could I do? Stay in a shelter? And the FIRST suggestion was training for networks, and then that fell through and was enrolled in a course for heating and air. Ok. What could I do? (Wondered to myself, bait and switch?)

I rolled with it, and decided to make the best of it. With stable income figured could get back to my goals eventually as realized really like to write. And was given a car and ended up all over television and it did seem like destiny then.

Well despite me doing my best the heating and air position I got, didn't last. Ended up fired in less than two months, which wasn't fun either. However had made enough money to give me some time to plan, I thought.

Consistently though, supposed help guides me away from what I want to do. And as more recently pondered 100 degree Fahrenheit heat while was in air conditioning comfort, was thinking: I could be OUT there in that, and why? My most financially valuable skill sets and interests are in different areas. Am listening to the wrong people? Think so.

(Should note a different perspective on people who routinely work in VERY hot or otherwise distressed conditions maintaining or repairing heating and air conditioning equipment! Will never take them for granted again.)

And, realized was not a minor thing. Turned 50 this year and have people supposedly trying to help me, trying to get me STARTED in a career where most people are half my age, where often would be in broiling heat?

Maybe not really my friends, eh? And went back to them as needed a bit of help, and got NOTHING. Which did surprise me.

The car? Well, I can't pay for gas now. And USAA is going to cancel my insurance. And am typing fast as Cox Cable gave me a disconnect notice earlier. (Now have more time as noted above.)

But am upbeat. Need to take direction of my own life and forget job help for veterans. Still need the other help though. Thankfully Macon Housing Authority has me in a place where have no rent--so thank God, no eviction threat THIS time. And am getting mental health services through Bibb County and VA, which is a godsend. Yeah mentally am feeling better than have in a LONG time.

So all is worth it. Finally got help that has helped IMMENSELY there at least.

But having people NOT listen to me and guide me into very life changing directions which could literally be like Hell on Earth? Am very sensibly done with that. And is sad. Is not really helpful when people are not listening to you.

Have tons of skills and should have lots of options with guidance, but people have to listen, and actually help. Well am old enough to not cry over the past and to appreciate lessons learned.

Will get past these latest struggles, and get to better control over my life.


James Harris

Facing the legacy of American slavery

Have discussed impact of American slavery more than once on this blog. Like was stunning to me to conclude that Black folks were trained to take unequal pay, with lessons learned with the aftermath of slavery over 150 years ago. Yet still today, so many will accept far less money than they should in pay, so the people cheating them, can simply pocket it.

Deciding you will not be held by things from a tragic past is a great thing I believe for Black people in the US. But how do you know?

Like grew up in Georgia, USA, with parents who thought of themselves as devout Christians, and received beatings with a leather belt, including one so intense from my father that my legs were bleeding. I was six years old. Will never forget. And I know I know what torture feels like, from experience.

Years ago was shocked when came across the information that an adult who has never been beaten may die when first whipped. The shock of the whip can kill them. So they need to be prepared for it. And works best when beaten from a young age. And I knew why, finally.

My parents were preparing me for whips that were silenced over 150 years ago, and yet would probably not accept such an explanation. Repeatedly have heard Black people in the South bragging about beating their children, infuriated at attempts to stop them.

We are born equal, as human beings. But tragic mechanisms can be propagated endlessly until faced.

I imagine that slave families preferred to beat their children ahead of the slaveowners, who made sure it was done, to limit losses when whipping adults.

Today all people in the US need to demand proper pay for their work. Is that simple. And we need also to demand safe spaces. Just some simple things to actually move this country beyond past horrors.

So yes, I talk about torture as I do as have experienced it--as a child. I pray that no longer is routine for any American children, but for now? We are not there yet.

Dare I admit that a part of me struggles with the weakness I feel I witness in others though? That yeah, being beaten so brutally made me different. And yeah I understand torture, and power. Am scared of myself too at times, but feel better admitting it here. I know how to inflict pain.

How does one gain the power of such knowledge--safely? I wonder.

But I can choose to be someone I can keep liking. Can choose to be a friend to my species. Can choose to try to be a better human being.

Maybe as a kid? You really just need to take martial arts classes, if need to go in a certain direction. Yeah, I like that answer. Am certain getting beaten viciously is not the way.

We can do better as human beings in training our children am sure. We can do better in finding best ways.


James Harris

Truth, belief and facts considered

Having people believe you can seem so basic, until it becomes hard. And for years now did not realize the devastating impact on me until finally had someone at the VA who simply did not dismiss or ignore facts. And have been open about seeking out mental health. It is a great thing. And appreciate that my status as a veteran means can get it, but what good if you are not believed?

In my case of course now it seems obvious that finding out have things that pull attention from 100+ countries might have an impact, including anxiety. Where also, yeah, if you are talking to a person who pulls that kind of attention that can impact you as well.

And yeah, have thought about wanting some of these VA folks to go before US Congress and testify about how they could ignore CHECKABLE facts from veterans, like myself, and then proceed as if those were irrelevant, even when pushed.

Like with me, web was dismissed--over and over and over again, until now. And feel like maybe am talking more freely because finally got a therapist who was accepting rather than dismissive and rejecting. And make no mistake, when am talking about prior people with VA dismissing the web they were not nice about it really. I'd get the feeling like they thought I was an idiot or was just lazy or lived in a fantasy world. And what could I do?

And yeah, to the US Congress I think part of reforming the VA is checking with veterans as to whether or not FACTS with regard to them are believed or DISMISSED by VA providers. From my talks with other veterans I think it is a huge and outrageous problem, where if a VA person doesn't feel comfortable or interested with a FACT in YOUR case then can just bizarrely proceed--as if does not exist.

You have to believe in people. How can you help someone if you refuse to show you believe in them in important ways? In my experience, you cannot. And found was not helped, as my problems continued.

Seems simple to me: how about a simple question for veterans like myself as to whether feel like checkable facts have been carefully noted and actually considered when elevated as important.

Like in my case is easy enough to web search. Search on: Class Viewer.

There is a website on SourceForge which should come up on any search engine. Comes up on all the ones I try. And you can click on, go to download stats, and shift to annual, like look at 2018.

Just did that for THIS post and there were downloads from 105 countries last year. Last one listed is Qatar.

IF you had something pulling attention from over 100 countries annually, and had a sense that getting that RIGHT was important how would you feel if some VA staffer supposedly helping you not only DISMISSED but refused to even check?

I've been infuriated. And make no mistake, maybe some of them will end up in front of the US Congress trying to explain if I can make it happen. I think would be great for the VA, great for veterans to get taken seriously--ALWAYS, and great for our country.

And hey, now kudos to the VA as have someone now helping me who DOES take me seriously, so can end on a positive. Right now desperately need that help. But when I hear about veterans who...just too many sad stories and am not surprised. I wonder who in the VA was not really listening with them.


James Harris

Global opportunity and natural risk

Having great news can also mean things can get more difficult in ways, which have experienced for years with a challenging situation involving global attention. And definitely sought for years as for years worked at making my own major mathematical discoveries where also now readily admit had an eye at challenging racist notions by being a major discoverer.

Well over 15 years ago managed to get published with a paper that demonstrated that you could appear to prove one thing with established mathematical ideas where you could disprove with a second argument. That is, I thoroughly demonstrated that the foundation of established mathematics was flawed and with a published paper. Have talked that situation in-depth on my math blog where here will note the chief editor deleted my paper out of the electronic edition, claiming was withdrawn when it was not. That math journal managed one more edition then shutdown, and its hosting university scrubbed its existence from its website!

Way wacky but also kind of messed up cool, eh? That was very stunning to me.

Of course one possibility had to consider was that I was just wrong. And regardless felt like wasn't much I could do, as back then was committed to getting official recognition and following the rules. And I DID follow the rules and GOT published, but hey, like I said, maybe I was wrong? (I wasn't wrong.)

Well without official recognition and help, worked on figuring it all out myself, and also figured should keep going with my math discovery. Which was a great decision! And now have verified THAT prior paper, while simplifying and doing many other things. (Like I put out the idea that entertainment is: any way to safely control your mood.)

Late 2010 decided should put up a recent picture to show was a Black guy focused on math and computers as oh yeah, also put up my open source Class Viewer back in 2004, and had found out was getting downloaded from all over the world. A bit after putting up my picture got laid off from my day-job working at an insurance company as a claims technician which involved a lot of data entry primarily of numbers--which not surprisingly I really liked!

Well had a great package with the lay-off off and saw as an opportunity to finally focus on these web things again, and decided I should just figure it out!

So focused on my global standing as went over my blogs with a different way. Weird to state but probably was first time accepted in some way that I did need to work on it, but didn't tell myself that consciously I don't think. Just felt like needed to clean things up.

Web is so new! And am sure in the future will seem incredible that I had such a debate around web stats showing global interest or have struggled as much as I have with figuring out how to monetize. But was looking at a report of 125 countries/territories visiting my math blog, as Google Analytics put it.

And remember I'd gotten a published math paper with wacky happening, and had been certain needed the math establishment to bless my results for anything to happen.

The web analytics told otherwise. But then didn't seem to connect to much useful to me and was so mysterious wasn't sure of them.

Oh yeah, so also realized that being a Black guy meant would probably end up being political if my results were accepted whether I wished that to happen or not. And was ready for it to happen as wanted to challenge American racism head-on. And came up with my own political party called Core Middle Party and posted a platform on this blog back October 2011.

Was easier coming up with an entire political party than just writing down some political concepts, and now over 7 years later is more of a template I use to guide my politics. Back then wasn't sure if might not become an actual new political party, and that really messed with my mind too.

Need I emphasize how unsettled was with much of these things? Sure I'd started wanting my own major math discovery, and found could demonstrate problem with foundations of accepted mathematics, which was not properly acknowledged. Wrote an open source computer program, which went global, but didn't seem to do much else. And settling my political ideas, ended up making up my own political party, and that was just my life.

(Oh yeah does make relationships especially challenging. Spend exhausting amounts of time on the web so hard for that reason to meet anybody and especially possibles. And even if I did get out more, can you imagine trying to explain these things to an interested woman? Would she stay interested? Seems to me so much like a muddled mess. So am not surprised have also ended up being relentlessly single.)

While meanwhile needed an income. And have talked much of the struggles there. But am looking at much news now of people who reached highly, but couldn't back it up with solid. Would rather do it my way, have that money a distant goal, than get it early and have things fall apart.

Yeah money is important, but safety is more important.

And hey, what if I DID become some major figure for Black folks before had it all settled and collapsed THEN into a muddled mess? I mean, hey, talking about foundations of MATHEMATICS have a demonstrated flaw? Could stop with just that, but there was so much more.

Yeah say for Black folks, but at this level, really is for the human species. Has taken me some time to accept that one as well. But hey, I put things up, and have from objective sources...attention from all over the world.

How'd I get here? Really? Can talk it and talk it, which helps me too. But a part of me, still wonders.

And where was the press? Where were other math people to back me up? Or any smart people to back me up?

Such questions easily can cause time to comfortably fly by, which is ok with me, now. If weren't for struggles making a living would be much calmer with it.

Looking at the news and paying close attention to people getting in trouble. And realize is better to go safer, slower and carefully. So what if am struggling with money, when at my level, could be dealing with much bigger problems and after having been declared some kind of success.

Time to process is time to get to a more stable place.

And at least am past using surreal all the time. For a bit kept going on and on about how was all so surreal. Is real. Is my life and so much of it is really great news. Just have to process is all.

Still, do have to worry about my global standing. Have come up with a simple set of phrases to help me:

One planet. Many peoples. One human species.

Finally, belatedly maybe talk more boldly about being a major discoverer, and even came up with what I think is a cool functional title: meta innovator

Am a 21st century major discoverer, and guess is not surprising things would be rather wild. Actually think is really cool am a Black guy. Have thought would have been great if a woman had my discoveries too, but think is just great someone from left field, you could say, did.

So gets to be me and more and more, am rolling with it. Oh yeah, so yeah, there is risk with this position why have to focus on my global standing! With attention from all over planet Earth, have to do my best to be responsible, and present well.


James Harris

Progress, setback, and thoughts on proper planning

Have realized probably have a responsibility to continue my story having shared so much already, where am glad I have. And think part of that responsibility is to community as am still relying much on substantial community support.

One good thing that DID happen was got a job in the heating and air industry, which lasted under two months, but am certain was a net positive. (Did help my perspective to watch the documentary Fired! from 2007, where Annabelle Gurwitch with some comedy handles that weighty subject.)

So yeah GOT a job thankfully--where was entry level as a helper, and was using NONE of the training had received before as was primarily work installing air conditioning and heating systems. My training was primarily on service. But was ok at first. Am handy with power tools and could handle moving around a construction area. Still was disconcerting at times being in the rafters wondering how I got there.

Am 49 years old. Have been an office worker my entire life. Even in the military worked in big hospitals and NOT in the field. Still I think I DID manage ok. But yeah, got fired so here is bit more on that story as worked with mostly a great group of folks. And got a LOT of help from very patient and knowledgeable people trying to train a newbie. But also ran into trouble with exactly TWO people who were, let's say relentlessly hostile.

With one reported to a manager, which just made him madder. And fired up the other who went over the line and I reported him to HR. And was to meet with the HR person in the morning the next day. But that morning before that meeting, got called in by the manager and told was fired. Ok, so enough there.

Good news is got a good introduction into the heating and air industry which was more complete and yeah, could actually hold my own. And noticed could handle the other things basic to a job, like showed up always on time and was never late. Worked hard the entire time, as was a point of pride for me which was glad to know had kept. It felt good to be working again, while it lasted.

Also did get some paychecks which gives me some room for proper planning for the next steps. Where yeah, good planning should work better. Was glad for the opportunity but felt rushed into getting ANYTHING before. Now can take more time and plan better.

Oh yeah, so why do I even need to go into another industry when have a degree in physics and experience as a software developer? Good question. More and more am wondering about some of my decision-making and yup, am looking to rely more on others. Reality is haven't really tested potential of my degree or full work experience because of the other things, which I used to like to call the wacky.

So yeah, am better at realizing that knowing have a web reach of 100+ countries EVERY single year is something need to fully understand. And yeah, am being correct that is a business risk for others.

For those who wonder, yeah I have on my resume for that reason. But don't think it necessarily registers with people for some reason. Best guess is: web is so new! There isn't framework maybe to process that information for most? Yeah considering am struggling with it myself, but also am at the center of the storm is how I like to put it. Is hard for me to get outsider perspective.

The web has introduced so many unknowns.

And at least am beyond thinking can just ignore certain facts. Even being potentially known in over 100 countries is not something you can just ignore. Duh. But I have tried before.

And why would I? Because so far so much of it is mysterious as have talked here, or contrary to my expectations, and especially so far, seems bizarrely distant from me making MONEY so it can be infuriating as well.

But you gotta pay the bills, you know? Yeah, of course you do. We all do, one way or another or somebody has to for us. And I need to be back fully in charge.

Oh, yeah, but that 100+ number comes from my open source software project Class Viewer. Which is a tool for Java developers so also there is that comfort that am providing community support myself.

And have plenty of things shared, like here! Where like to think is helpful for our world.

Yeah it is odd to realize that from objective evidence, not my fantasy but data from others, have that global reach.

The exposure at this level is also something has to be considered. Thankfully recent experience let me compare local press coverage exposure as have talked here (here's a link to a video), so can try to get a better handle that way too now.

It IS so very new the reality we have. The web has changed so much.

And guess I get to be one of the pathfinders out here which have noted before. Challenges? Ok. Will handle as best I can. Figure things out as fast as I can, and just keep plugging at it.

Still like that analogy to being like working on a law degree. But like where the changes are continuous, and you're creating the curriculum, testing yourself, and few people recognize it.

But more people are, am sure.


James Harris

Growing up different

Growing up as a Black person in the American Deep South was also growing up told was gifted, and could be anyone I wanted: First college course when was 12 at Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College; Couple of summers at Duke University for their Talent Identification Program; And on to Vanderbilt University when graduated high school with highest SAT of my class.

And did get my B.Sc. in Physics in four years.

But what did I really wish to be?

Now like to call myself a meta innovator, and worked to dominate a search on.

Have posted here about certain things somewhat with: When civilization advances

But realized there can be many questions still I should try to answer.

Have had more than 23 years since my first major math discovery. Has been about 15 years since I dramatically demonstrated a problem with the foundations of mathematics. And over 3 years since functionally defined entertainment with a world of changes since then.

Older views on race ARE collapsing as more people learn was just a social construct--made up by racists. And the web helps a world of humans better keep up with human reality.

Human is human.

The world does keep up with me more than I like to admit in ways, while have routinely talked my global reach which is 100+ countries annually. Though for that number primarily reference my open source project for software developers. But that gives me my most direct objective evidence from downloads.

And my struggles with finding my proper place in this world are not that surprising to me. For someone like myself making money becomes a bigger question which has implications for human society in general. And my studies of money and economics are already changing our world as can more simply make the case for things like gender equality and proper pay.

Must work now to find place for my best work for pay and I relish the challenge. My greatest intellectual accomplishments am confident are behind me. The shattering of past things that did not work for simpler intellectual tools that do is a wonder that I appreciate.

But finding my place working shoulder to shoulder with my fellow human beings is what will bring me most satisfaction in life, am sure. And is key to taking care of myself and being able to support a family.

Is worth my best efforts there as well.


James Harris

Work and our more connected modern reality

Was 15 when first got a job through a program in the state of Georgia, USA, for disadvantaged youth. Where my family most of my life had been lower middle-class, but a divorce had changed everything. Then experienced life in a poor family.

That first job was helping state forestry workers. Was 40 hours a week. They would work to find things for me and the other teenagers to do. Was minimum wage, of course, but definitely appreciated it.

Would get work later at 16, doing the usual then for teenagers. Like worked at a grocery store doing things like bagging groceries back when that was still usually done for you. And later worked at a fast food place. And graduated high school, and went on to college with a full tuition scholarship to Vanderbilt University, where did work-study there.

After college, completely my fault though 1991 was considered a difficult year for gaining employment got my degree without immediate employment. And I decided felt like enlisting in the US Army which turned into a great decision. Though was much from mixed reasons though yes, wanting to serve my country was one of them. Had been drawn to the US military by a movie remarkably enough. Watched Flight of the Intruder over and over again. But though movie was about people in US Navy was not keen on being on boats.

So much ponder how make decisions. So was 22 years old and made a pivotal decision as best I could with what I knew then.

Could keep going with jobs, but now reflecting as needing to find a new one, with new skills recently obtained as finishing up an accelerated course on heating and air conditioning. Where thanks to deciding to take that course, other things opened up as well thanks to community support to help me get fully back on my feet financially.

And I wonder about decisions and how we make them. So much works out for me, in time, but not necessarily the way I ever expected might. And still the questions.

Now too have better perspective about how information flows, and how some things can be not so intuitive. Like posted about receiving a car recently and that hit local television news. But routinely bump into people who never saw any of it. Is that something to share or not with a potential employer?

If you think yes, then is that really contextual to a job? If you say, no, consider that employer is likely to find out eventually, anyway. As eventually SOMEONE who DID notice that coverage is likely to bring it up as a remarkable thing! So why should they not remark?

That helps explain better I think the way the web shifts things with our modern reality.

Yes, you can have things out here where maybe some people notice but most do not. And be in a situation where it can be debatable as to whether or not to share with others in any given particular situation. Where it is likely that in time that information will get to them, regardless.

In a key post I noted how unsettled I became when found out some web things of mine were pulling attention on a global basis, without me having much guidance on how to react. Have had people ask, why would I even bring it up? And now feel like can explain better why transparency and honesty actually are not just good in general, but also are pragmatic in our web enabled world.

Which suits me. Sure can find difficulty in the moment with employment, but would rather face that squarely than have to live with myself for the rest of my life without my values. Besides have learned very much more the value of community, and the many benefits of service to community.

Life lessons at best can come with a price. There is no way how things have gone on the plus side for me to to worry too much about the negatives there have been as well.

Life has its up's and down's. Can always keep in mind am working on net positive.


James Harris

Considering vehicle of opportunity

Am glad began to talk more about the personal financial struggles here on this blog which have lead to me living in a Salvation Army shelter. Helps had already started that and trying to explain here in a very public place helps me try to figure it out myself! How did someone with my skill sets find himself with so much difficulty making money?

Here also is the place to talk how the web has been so much a part of that as if reading, you can wonder yourself, how did you get here? How do you even know about me on a planet of billions where more and more people are coming online? How are YOU reading here?

Oh yeah, so the update is that yesterday was the recipient of a car, at Geico in Macon, GA, USA. And also now have a Section 8 voucher, where was prioritized as a veteran which is my key to getting out of the shelter. All received as part of programs to help needy people as transportation can be so important, and yeah for me is a vehicle of opportunity. Already talked in a post learning new skills at VECTR and amazing things keep happening, through that facility.

And should mention required a LOT of service organizations where a primary was United Way through a program called Mission United. And Macon Housing Authority did quite a bit as well.

Organizations that are doing as much as they can and working hard to figure out more, and good when can connect with folks like at Geico, and to me now is that need for it all to work out GREAT.

Is kind of ironic to me as well, as not surprisingly, as received a car, there was local media present. So my FIRST television interview was yesterday and to me, was not really about me. Was about opportunity and a nation dedicated to figuring out how to take care of veterans in need.

Which is a great thing.

We have a nation with massive resources and a lot of great people who really want to help. And is a matter of figuring out how. So am grateful for more opportunity with a sense of the responsibility there as well.

Better perspective now too on when is good to have a personal blog, for really permanent public information that can be relevant to others. Am completely in charge of content here and nothing is being coordinated with others.

There is no way HERE that I would have it any other way.

Is great that control which is telling. My public self is my responsibility.

Web is such a new thing, and am working to figure it out.

Amazes me still how you can have people, maybe a very few really, know of you ALL over the globe, and wonder what that signifies. Yet so much important is about the people in front of you, where you need to work, and how you will get around.

Tomorrow is Veterans Day, and our nation has a lot showing the appreciation for the service of so many who are the reason we have a nation today. And I am appreciative as well, and glad to be counted as one, where active duty military service was over two decades ago. From the age of 22 to 27, served my country in the US Army, primarily at medical centers.

And that younger me, took care of older me without any clue how that was also getting included. Sure I knew I would get that status of veteran but there was no thought in my mind of needing it as I have lately.

Reality is bigger than us all. And also yes, I do thank God for so much I barely understand that somehow works out, without any expectations there beyond knowing must be part of something far greater than me.

So yeah, now literally have a vehicle of opportunity, and a responsibility with it. So much still up to me to get done as get to steady income which is the one thing still must have to be back to fully being able to take care of myself.

Just sat down this morning to get some things down and maybe will edit a bit. For ANY of those organizations mentioned or people associated with them, if have ANY concerns about things put down here, please let me know. Or any concerns whatsoever, I want to know.

We have a new kind of public now which am working to figure out.


James Harris

Better when reality is checked

These days seems less remarkable to me to state that finding out web things of mine were pulling interest from more than 100 countries was disconcerting. For years struggled more silently in ways on the subject while have talked various ways on my blogs, like here.

Main thing is just seems so weird. And did not connect with what I knew or thought I knew of what are consequences around such a thing, how it happens, or what it signifies. Now I know that I just didn't know much that was true and problematically people lie a LOT in this area.

Like I discovered most of what I thought I knew about people often called celebrities--was a fiction. And a deliberate fiction for money-making purposes, which now am like, ok.

For me though the facts are where things matter especially checkable facts. Where have reached out for help, like as a veteran, and trot out something like being potentially known in over 100 countries and have had that information ignored.

Well I think the US Congress needs to get a clue and direct federal agencies to update to the 21st century, please. And specifically top to bottom all federal employees are to accept that objective factual reality when presented to a federal employee especially when that can impact the nation as a whole if ignored that can be grounds for termination.

Actually, I think it already is.

To me the main problem is: people who really are not listening to those they are supposed to help where am in a unique position to show how dramatic that can be.

That is very sad but consequences are very real, like with veterans not being helped in the best way.

Am in a much better mood as contemplate lessons learned and was good to go back to school as have done if only to remind myself of what I can do. Also struck me that learning technology around air conditioning and heating makes sense in a world where climate change may make such technology a matter of life and death. Someone like me needs to understand it thoroughly.

Where do I go from here? Right now am still in school but yeah, still need an income. And would happily work doing things like repairing home air conditioning, if only to stay away from the responsibilities of my position earned by the knowledge I have gained.

Part of me is like yeah, and another part of me is like, really?

Get stuck on that reality: can put up things that pull global interest and should maximize potential in good ways. Maybe now am less worried as well about other things where quite frankly, so-called celebrities were just freaking liars. Which is not to dismiss celebrity itself or ALL folks with the celebrity label.

Was just surprised by some checking of the reality found could do. And lots of times there definitely was a fiction created for promotional purposes. And in some cases, yeah felt was dealing with total fakery. But is an opinion.

Definitely am a fan of plenty.

Oh yeah, so how can someone reality check me? Is easy. So have multiple things that pull interest from over 50 countries. But these days my open source software project is the one thing that is routinely showing around 100. So far this year is only 98 countries though according to stats on SourceForge which I just checked.

How can you check me? On any search engine you can search: class viewer

If you go to the SourceForge site you should see downloads. Doing it myself I see 33 this week. Click on those stats and I see 430 downloads for quarter with 19% from the US. Click on countries and I scroll down to see that was from 65 countries. Time period is from July 15 through October 13.

So yeah, 65 countries in last 90 days. You can change the dates to do other things like I checked year to date to get that 98 countries.

Where reference much as is readily available information to the public and is where the total countries are most dramatic. The open source project itself is just a basic tool for Java developers which I put up on SourceForge back in 2004. Why is it still downloaded from so many countries? Guess is still useful.

Such simple facts, easily checkable, and what do they mean exactly? Well for any government worker you have verification of my global status. And if you ignore? What is wrong with you?

And why do you think you should still continue working for the federal government if because you ignore facts about me, you cannot truly help me? And THAT is your JOB?

We are in the 21st century now. Am past tired of having to deal with people who act as hostile gatekeepers because they work for our federal government yet refuse to properly acknowledge the web.

So they cannot help me.

There is just so much for me to learn have realized. Where really am kind of in a school for the web with lots of reasons to figure things out, where that has been true for well over a decade.

As gain more working knowledge of my particular situation and of the web can use in better ways. That is a clear goal for me.


James Harris

Some recognition to ponder

Have decided it is better to share more of my personal life including some recent struggles as try to get back to having a steady income. So felt a need to talk some recent positives as well including a surprising bit of recognition, as have begun focusing on getting new skill sets for more employment options.

So first a bit of a recap. For some time have struggled with employment which I think is web related where have been trying to understand and absorb a global reality reported by web companies. Relying much on community have been fortunate that my veterans status also means get help for that reason.

Talked much in detail about circumstances around a recent eviction and turns out was able to go to a Salvation Army shelter. Recently a veteran was hired as an employee there focused on helping veterans, who has been introducing to the Georgia Veterans Education Center Transition Resource Center, which is more succinctly called: VECTR

And there have been able to get training.

Also thankfully there is support through the Workforce Innovation and Opportunity Act, commonly called WIOA, which is paying for that training.

Where have been thankful for the opportunity, and recently was the first recipient of a scholarship created by his friends for a very distinguished national person.  That person is General Alfred G. Hansen (retired), who has an incredible history of distinguished service to the United States.

And he came to the center with is wife, and a couple of other folks, former BellSouth president Carl Swearingen and Dr. Ivan Allen, president of Central Georgia Technical College. Wow.

Was an incredible experience for me, and definitely gave much to ponder as met some very distinguished Americans.

Who knows how much they know of my full story, though yeah definitely have been talking my story as entered the center. Had to have been told enough for me to get the scholarship, where focus is very clear. But of course I didn't bring up certain things which really weren't relevant in context.

Focus I think was best on the importance of helping our nation's veteran population.

And VECTR is a great idea for putting a lot of things in one place with very well informed people who can help military members transition well, and help veterans also. The general talked that and am sure is a primary reason both for the support and the efforts to bring interest.

Our nation can do so much and is doing LOTS for veterans, where is also important that people know what is available.

Back to my perspective, feel like regardless of so much other, main thing is: am a person who is working hard to get a full life back where income is required to accomplish that goal. And have done well in my studies so far and am committed to continuing to work hard at learning new skills and continuing on to full employment.

Where yeah, also am trying to figure out how that will work.

Where to me transparency is best. If you're working for folks they need to find out relevant things from you rather than discover them first on the web.

Think should emphasize this blog is my personal one where am completely in control of content here. And there was no coordination with any other entities for this post. However definitely want to be a positive and welcome feedback from others, especially if there are any concerns. Especially from friends of the general, people associated with Central Georgia Technical College, current and former members of the US military. Or any concerned Americans.

Figuring out our new web reality is an ongoing process. Public is VERY public here, and global. And I try to assume as little as possible. And think is important always to try to listen.

So yeah felt should talk some recent positives! Main thing I think is just to keep working to get to better outcomes. And certainly helps when have people helping immensely as long as am working hard myself.


James Harris

When web tells more, what work?

Have been on the web realized for over 20 years, and realization kind of surprised me to some extent. But started over two decades ago in the 90's when wanted to talk some of my amateur math ideas. As the years have gone by, have found what was really a hobby gained a visibility that I didn't for quite a time fully understand which was worth figuring out.

Like over a decade ago found out that a blog talking my math ideas was getting visitors from 125 countries/territories is how Google Analytics put it. Was stunned and then looking for other things to happen that did not. And went on with my life including working a regular job.

Have talked work much on this blog, and noted that to me work is when a person provides a service under some kind of contract to some entity.

Where acting in good faith one should provide necessary information to someone who might want to hire you, but how do you talk POTENTIALLY being known in over 100 countries to a potential employer?

Early on was not a problem as did not realize and had a job when that data was made available to me. Where were SO many questions in my mind regardless. Like was the attention real? Or did most blogs get visits from all over?

Blogs were not that old back then and so much was new. And was lucky for me that I've had more than one blog to focus my interests so could compare across them. Like here, visits were only from around a dozen countries. (It dawns on me that is still actually remarkable.)

Looking elsewhere to where people I knew of, worked with high attention levels did not help me much! And only now with much time, and as the web becomes less novel, feel like am making progress with getting better answers. And yeah, is no more easy for me to have a regular job than for any person with things that pull global attention, even though would like one! Problem is not with me, but with the implications for a business.

Wryly have noted to myself when have a bigger global footprint than an employer. Reality is that comes with a certain amount of influence.

And guess what? Is the kind of information that people get whether you give it or not. Is about being MASSIVELY public and the web tells. (Have had some weird conversations with people on that subject.)

Besides am sure there are ways to properly leverage global attention for work and income, where why should I not maximize that income? But I have to figure it out, which I say, is like working for a law degree while law is continually changing on you, where replace law with web, which is an analogy brought up in post where talked business professionalism.

Also it DOES take effort to maintain that global presence. (How does anyone do it?) There is a LOT of competition for attention in our world, and have been surprised to realize am doing things to maintain, where only more recently have felt the strain at times. Have talked some of where things stand now on this blog. But making the money has been where there is a problem still.

Have had a LOT to absorb, where now with years to ponder am appreciating much. And yeah can be hard to keep the ego in check with certain information, while the money struggles definitely help with that one. Am forced to ponder how can have so much one way, and so little another.

Feel like is helping me be a better person. May as well get something positive out of it.

Thankfully have been able to rely on community support including my status as a military veteran for help but has been challenging. Like when try to bring up the web to a government worker who then proceeds as if that information is not pertinent. Is weird.

Web is so new though. So many procedures in place were about the world that was. Now there are people like myself who are pathfinders in the new world that is, where more and more, web rules.

So am figuring out best I can, where is a struggle, so for now, what work? Remains an open question.

After over two decades on the web have learned that attention reality is what I have, and am better staying meta as needed. Sure would love to get some good explanations for important things from others, but often have found am better off, with what I figure out for myself.

Like, who else do I know as well who knows from objective sources that interest from 100+ countries is just an annual thing, held for over a decade? Um should answer that, no one.

Am stuck with me as my best information source about what it is like to be global in the web age.

Well yeah, with objective data from data providers about attention drawn to content I've put on the web like here. And yeah that is very important to emphasize, as can only know best from what am told from objective sources. Depend on that being accurate information as do people all over the globe now.


James Harris

Accepting my global

Really have been lucky I think with the way things have gone as will talk relentlessly about global attention and details around it as trying to process and figure out. But how often do I just go, wow, am global? Where how is easy enough: web enables.

If you have things that can interest people around the world where those are idea things, you can put them out here and can get a global reality which I've had for over a decade.

But the experienced global reality simply did not fit my preconceived notions and there was no instruction manual. And also there were things I believed were true from looking at other global realities or people I thought were and it was like, huh?

Is nothing like what some folks were saying. And is odd to realize when certain people actually were not global, or were not in the same way. But maybe some organization was, and could promote certain people like they were.

Who do I mean? Who don't I mean, is more pertinent I think. Am simply stunned by the audacity now.

And then there was the problem of money. There IS the problem of money and reality is that at least with certain things I just shut down. Was like, none of these things are making sense.

And you think of just about any country that makes the news about just about anything and I have looked at that country in lists from web metrics showing I have something pulling interest there.

There was so much fake about the 20th century have realized.

As the web makes more sense and we get time with people who are drawing global to just witness what they can or cannot do, am getting back to solid ground.

But like look at them political. People think followers are actually followers when that is just some label some tech guys who themselves lack much demonstrated influence at all put there.

If had been me? I'd have used word--audience.

Your audience on the web? Can make or break you but more than likely most people will simply ignore you--unless you deliver something they want.

So much of the 20th century was fake which stuns me to write. Especially so hated various specious claims of fakery which are NOT true. Yes, NASA astronauts landed on the Moon. Of course there was the Holocaust which is a shame on our species along with so much else.

But about celebrity? Were so much lies.

We will get more of the truth in the 21st century am sure. And how will people handle the truth?

Am still struggling with myself let alone worrying about anyone else. And will figure it out. Will even figure out the money thing am sure.

Where am so wanting authenticity now. So wanting the stories to be real.


James Harris

Challenging facts and my reaction

There is a closer relationship have realized between people who produce content and the portals, like Blogger through which that content flows, because of the potential for information shared. Like am allowed to use Google Analytics here which is a Google decision. Of course Google owns Blogger and Google Analytics but still, is their decision what information they give me. Which is true also for anyone else that relies upon them.

And was around a decade ago found my worldview severely challenged by such information when web analytics for one of my blogs claimed had visitors from 125 countries/territories is how they put it back then, on Google Analytics. Was my math blog.

For curiosity sake, for all of last year was 59 countries, where now is presented that simply. And from those countries, tells me were visits from people from 442 cities, speaking 50 languages.

For further comparison, according to Google Analytics, this blog for all of 2017 had visits from 7 countries: United States, Netherlands, United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, Switzerland, and Saudi Arabia

(If you know you visited here last year and are NOT from one of those countries you simply were not counted by it for some reason.)

Where were from 29 cities speaking 5 languages: English (US), Finnish, c (?), English (Canada), and French

So can notice how the language count can be a bit odd. Where I have no clue with one of them.

Way back was all very surreal to me. Part of me kept looking for answers from others, until realized how much am forced to be a pathfinder.

And that information is hidden unless I share it. Is shared between Google's company and me from Google Analytics. And have some stats from Blogger as well where can compare if I wish.

Even at 59 countries though that is global. And do wonder about that drop from past 125, but these get to be quiet musings for the most part or can chatter about them, like here. And yes, have a good sense now of why such an appeal with my math discovery. While also here which is more political there is primarily an audience that is English speaking and from my own country, the United States.

It is something to process: knowing anything of mine can pull such interest from so many countries.

Where that is not just a year or two, but is a continuing thing, year after year after year.

Back October 2011 posted my ideas for Core Middle Party, which I made up. With seven years from there this year coming up, am a LOT more calm than when wondered where that might go. These days talk as my own personal made-up not official political party. Helps me navigate American and global politics where turns out I need positions, routinely.

In the past there was much shock and anxiety for me, where was fear of the unknown and how to know? Much of my worldview was simply shattered. So much I thought I knew was not right or not applicable, and so much to learn with little guidance. For years muddled along trying to find some solid ground and have noted for a long time simply felt--unsettled.

It is amazing now how little there is from elsewhere. So much information I have from Google and also yes a few other sources like some social media companies, but so very little from other places or others. Have learned though to appreciate the quiet.

Are the numbers real? Yup. Google has no reason to lie to me, though have wondered at times. Others can get a sense of that reality as well from web search. Like for my math blog? Can usually just search: some math

Far as I know that is global.

Why so little about a global reality from others, like the press? Who knows. Ask them.

For years ran away from much of it, which I think was a healthy reaction and simply tried to work as best I can and maintain a living while I figured it out. But that became very difficult, where have talked about why in post about professionalism and showing up, as yeah is HARD to focus with such challenging facts.

With years now can shift from anxiety to reasonable fears where can have a better sense of where caution is prudent, and otherwise where have more freedom to do things. While work is still a puzzle, which pushes me to relying on community resources, where have discussed. Like talked in-depth around a recent eviction, and yeah there is pressure to figure things out.

Am a pathfinder which is comforting. There are answers that have not been available to me because they have not been figured out yet. While also I am global, and known or potentially known all over the world.

The revolution that is the modern web is VAST and am just one piece of that puzzle of what will bring. Where am very much motivated to figure out.


James Harris

Business professionalism and showing up

Years ago in San Francisco found myself concerned while at work, with the realization social media could intrude. Careful to do things on breaks at least a few times found myself drawn to my social media as breaking political news was piling up. Sure was a position I called my day job, since I knew was working to figure out much, but prided myself on my professionalism. And one of the most important basic things as a business professional? Is showing up.

And physically being there at work is of course important, but also mentally being there and completely focused on the tasks at hand is part of business professionalism. My mental focus was wavering at times, and found that distressing though had not to my knowledge negatively impacted my job performance--yet. Where I primarily did data entry at a large insurance company. A position had started as a temp and turned permanent.

My job tasks were many, from handling ordering of office supplies, to some work talking to customers on the phones, but primarily I entered legal invoices into the company database, and also wrote checks for many.

Was a comforting position for me as a solid amount of work, could help me handle my continuing disquiet with web things. And understand better now, as the web has disrupted much.

At THAT time was trying to process learning that my web efforts were routinely garnering attention from over 100 countries.

Like with my own efforts at figuring out math, had found out that my math blog had annual visits from 125, which have repeated often for about a decade now. Yeah, math can draw that kind of attention learned personally.

The web quite simply can leave you--unsettled.

And why wouldn't it? Back then puzzled if the web stats were even real. Like, who were these people all over the world? Why were there no other indicators seemed to me? Where was the HUGE of WHATEVER thought should connect with such a thing as global on that scale? Reflexively looked for what I now realize are celebrity markers based on what I thought I knew primarily from the American entertainment industry.

Was not in an entertainment arena. And now have realized really didn't know much from what television told, and I thought I saw, when would even bother paying attention to celebrity things.

Being a business professional requires that you show up, both mentally and physically for work.

That simple sentence is one I understood then, but what I realize now is, yeah even if you are not sure what exactly it means to be global in our web age that will impact your ability to stay focused in most job arenas. And I wasn't even sure! Maybe one day, it would all click and whoosh!!! Then I would be gone, leveraging my global attention levels appropriately, possibly to have my own business.

Instead found my ability to even manage a day job crumbled. After I FINALLY put up a current picture on the web, and I do not blame that company if that was why I ended up in a general layoff.

Web is so new really. What exactly is the business risk with someone getting attention from around the globe?

For me that is not a question can leave unanswered and is not one where have had a good answer when contemplating employment now. Monetization of the web is a hard problem that is crushing entire industries, or completely remaking them.

Is cool to know your ideas can draw attention that is global.

But then is daunting to realize am a pathfinder. Looking around much am constantly searching for answers as watch others. The global messed me up for a LONG time as expected too much from it. And it still bothers me that with that important thing, figuring out how to make money is not automatically a part of it.

Even the numbers for people still push against my preconceived notions--as how then so few? But do know lots of people are not showing up in how that data is collected. So many countries but registering such a small number of people. Now realize the web stats hint more than tell the full numbers. And now feel is better to ask, how does anyone in this or that country even know who I am, and why would that motivate a visit to one of my blogs? Or to anything I have on the web?

Plenty of times can get a better sense then as can check which parts of blog are drawing interest from where. Is wild, looking over my own writing, and asking myself what brings certain attention from certain countries at a certain time.

Another reason to go self-referential, and pay attention to when I notice some person myself, and learn of interesting stories of others, around the world thanks to the web. Which emphasizes to me, is not the easiest thing really.

This blog is quieter across the board though. Which is also telling.

Never big country numbers as typically around a dozen. That differential helped me realize--is real. If was just some random thing, then would look same across my blogs. Is HUGE reason to have more than one web thing, to compare across them.

While some of my blogs were routinely drawing interest from 50+ countries annually, this one never moved much, even if I tried to promote from the others. Its stats just would not react that I noticed which is yet another web puzzle.

But then again, is just more evidence. People know what they want and go to get what THEY want. I cannot simply direct them this way or that, and myself am same way. Web sites cannot simply direct me in efforts to promote some other web site. I have to have a reason from my own interests to go to one web site from another.

So yeah it does make sense with time and thought. Are real people out there with real needs, and they know why they are doing what they are doing. YOU reading are a real person. My thinking with this post though is like am chatting with someone and talking these things through. Oh and thanks for your interest! Have learned helps me to give that appreciation, as grounds me more. Helps feel real.

Can tell now what draws global more, and even relate to what notice from others. Have tested the potential many ways, while the money struggles continue.

Maybe it is helpful to put out there. Writing a post like this one not only helps me get a better handle, can explain for others and maybe even help others.

The global attention can come ahead of anything else. And that global attention can be disconnected from so much else.

You can struggle massively both to comprehend, process and handle, while being pressured still to work.

And as a business professional, you should show up, which I will do. And my commitment to professionalism will not waver. My focus on work will always be to show up, both physically and mentally. Understanding helps massively, and have a better handle how to maintain my standards still as web things become more...familiar.

Challenges from the web have better helped me appreciate exactly what so much more means.

Welcome the lessons learned, but is much like being forced to get a law degree I tell myself, while needing to get work as a lawyer, while the law is in constant flux. Where replace with having to figure out the web, while needing to somehow get a paying occupation with web impacting much, while the web continues to evolve.

Now I look at struggling INDUSTRIES and am like, oh, ok. You have people with billions US in monetary assets and thousands of people needing to figure it out, and they're still struggling.

Necessity does not create the knowledge. We have to figure it out. And THAT process takes time and immense effort.


James Harris

Where explanation can help

There are a lot of facts on my side. Even my global attention reality is one of the most pertinent. Yet have found myself challenged in ways that apparently are against objective reason.

Grudgingly have decided maybe race is a factor with people so indoctrinated that certain types cannot do certain things they find it hard to focus on facts. But race is a social construct. Was made up by racists to justify treating certain humans horribly, by considering them a subspecies. So could say it was no more cruel to have a subhuman species as a slave than to have a horse.

Do you ride horses? Concept is the same. Race as a convenient dodge to escape the moral crush, of using a human, as an animal, or another way to put it, as like a beast of burden.

That notion that maybe there were subhumans who were distinguishable from full humans by race flew around the globe as an early example of a hostile meme. Relatedly other hostile memes involved business practices I say were learned after slavery, of using deliberate underpay. And those who used deliberate underpay learned how it also destroyed people in lots of ways psychologically, which are still in use today. While it also made them much more rich, on the wages they stole from their trusting workers.

Deliberate underpay still works to destroy people today.

Easily explained but you have to feel it. And you have to decide that you are no longer part of something that is against humanity.

We are all humans. That some of us can behave inhumanely is sadly not news to most of us am sure.

Such behavior is also against merit. The people who need such beliefs are not good enough on their own. And not surprisingly we have witnessed in the US that those who can behave with the worst motivations can also engage in relentless abuse. But that should not surprise.

And they trained a world best they could to literally worship them with money given as the primary measure of success as THAT they could STEAL in many ways. So they trained people to ignore how the money was made.

And many today think it does not matter how as long as you are rich.

And they themselves can be easy prey for human predators.

We don't have to cheat like that when instead we feel good enough to compete.

While many Americans have finally been taught a system of feel-good first. And not surprisingly drugs can work for them then, with nothing else needed.

With belief in merits of real accomplishment trained out of many, then too many people can find no reason to look to anything else except the feeling and there the drugs can do that for them.

We need to focus on merit, and is better when merit rules, where that to me simply means--finding the things that work best. And letting people do their best with support for those who earnestly try their best, and proper recognition for those who succeed well.

And without silly exceptions based on arbitrary rules. Do not think some person cannot do something that humans can do for arbitrary reasons like color of skin or other arbitrary known measures, because then you must think that person is less than human.

Humans can do much, and constantly do much for each other. And better rule that is cool, is to let human rule, where I like to rhyme, don't hate me. And also not joking, please do not hate me for arbitrary reasons especially not based on stupid rules where we know better.

Real success helps us all as we all depend so much on the success of prior humans with merit, which has given us great tools for success. Like this blog lets me talk to you, with quite advanced technology which required so much to get here. Our species has done much valuable for each of us.

We can learn better as human beings. That is a gift as well our species has.


James Harris