Why paying properly is doing human right. Am glad realized should be more open about my own personal financial situation, as have been financially stressed in ways where I think sharing publicly helps me figure things out, and may help others. Where web has been a great place for me in stunning ways, where often talked a global attention reality, but more and more focused on the lack of revenue puzzle. Well lack of revenue, was a daily reality; while needing to eat, pay bills and have a place to stay is too, and not surprisingly ended up technically homeless. Put it that way to indicate was not on the streets homeless, where so many people tragically are, and struggle with the most basic things, like not just how to eat or keep warm on cold days and night, but how to find bathrooms. Where when they don't? Or can't? Can become a serious public as well as personal problem, like in San Francisco, where the subject is gripping the news there. When crap is a big problem for your city, maybe you're not doing human right. But am in Georgia, USA, which is in the Deep South and is the state where I grew up! Came back here from San Francisco back in early 2012 because figured was obvious to go back to more familiarity. Will not recap things talked out in other blog posts, but more recently will note, came to Macon, from a homeless program for veterans out of Dublin at the VA hospital there. And one of the FIRST things did, within first month got here? I contacted an organization better known by its acronym called VECTR, which is in Warner Robins, GA. Talked to someone who helped me with my resume, but I explained really wanted to talk my web things...like I have an open source product with annual downloads routinely at 100+ countries. Well she said I should come there and talk. I had no way...went to other things. Eventually DID get to VECTR though, when driven by a veteran who the Salvation Army had hired, as was living in a shelter. THAT person at VECTR who I'd previously contacted, so many months prior, had left by then. And they had no record of my resume. Ok. Easy enough to give new. But yeah, was STILL emphasizing needed talking out on this global thing with the web! Eventually was convinced maybe needed more school, and reluctantly signed up for a class on computer networking which would also importantly lead to a certification. Then was told the instructor wasn't available, and had been signed up for another course: heating and air technician. Let's digress. After American slavery there was a HUGE population of former slaves who were now looking to get work and get on with that pursuit of happiness we Americans prize so highly, am sure. But they'd been left out in the cold by the US federal government which left them at the mercy of the former slaveowners. And I don't think those folks were interested in doing human right, or in doing human beings right. We know they terrorized that population, intimidated them into not voting as much as they could, or wrote laws restricting, and not surprisingly, were NOT exactly about paying well. Deliberate underpay is a brutal way of human psychological torture, but requires: people actually take a job which pays beneath their skills. Population of people freed from slavery? At your mercy when you have none? Needing jobs? Well those former slaveowners would learn LOTS back then, working on them, with people under huge pressure to take any job offered. The psychological warfare techniques do, I admit, impress me. I study them too, you know? But back to subject of work. Well I have a degree in physics, am a software developer with an open source project used around the globe. Could conceivably be making millions but realistically at a base should be making six figures. But feel like need to figure out this web thing, you know? So liken it to getting a law degree, while law is still relentlessly evolving, but there are no law schools, so you have to research first, build your own curriculum, and then teach, yourself. Yeah I do like a challenge. Is actually going well, I think. But oh yeah, there is that lack of revenue. Back to my situation then as was a bit stunned. Heating and air technician? But was in a Salvation Army shelter where had been for MONTHS, and besides, was kind of curious. Decided would roll with it. So went into the heating and air course, not surprisingly was top student, got a scholarship, got a car and ended up on television. Fascinating. Then was talking to a LOT of friendly heating and air business owners, many of whom were very politely noting my physics degree from Vanderbilt University, like sensible people. I noted to a person at VECTR and got pushback. Tell them was a long time ago, she said. Today governments are finally recognizing the brutal human cost of deliberate underpay. But I have wondered about civil rights movements: how could not have focused on not allowing what is in essence part-time slavery by letting people pay you only for so much work, so the rest is FREE, so they pocket the difference? You're psychologically brutalized as you've been cheated. And maybe they come to workplace one day with yet another flashy new car, your pay helped them get. Black people in the US should be the LEAST underpaid population in the country, given the brutal history of this nation. But people have to be taught about all that, eh? So why wasn't I? That's ok, I figured it out on my own. Slavery was and is as modern slavery tragically exists, a parasitic human enterprise. Those slaveowners were human parasites who FED off the effort of human beings. Can assure you that parasitic humans do not do human right. Might help explain the relentlessness of labor laws trying to push employers not to do things like rape their employees? And how well has that worked, eh? Consider American entertainment industry and recent revelations. As have noted before, we need to face the legacy of American slavery. And yes, my search for revenue, continues. Still am figuring out this web thing. Is like am polishing up my curriculum, while pondering my only student, me, he's struggling a bit, while research continues as web—just keeps changing. Ok.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Doing human right
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
When support tests relationships
Am in a unique position appreciate more and more. My major stressor for over a decade has been trying both to handle global attention as revealed by third party sources like Google, Twitter and Pinterest though web analytics, but also to appreciate my own mental fragility in certain areas.
Before did glide along as like to say, with a sense of handling things and taking care of myself as a very independent person, while feeling frustrated with my wariness in relationships.
And THOUGHT was more advanced in talking sexual abuse by two teenage girl babysitters when was 5.
But was shocked to get massive relief recently by FINALLY talking being beaten till I bled by my father when was 6. Where concluded was legacy slave training, which afflicts a population in the US not facing a brutal legacy.
Can be difficult to explain my mental things I think, even to myself. Feel like is against my training to properly accept. And now have come up with an analogy I find useful and will share as think will probably use a lot if really works well.
Like imagine a runner, who develops a hairline fracture in one or both legs, and GOES TO a doctor, who diagnoses it, and gets a treatment plan, which includes plenty of leg rest. But that runner's family? Gets tired of that person lying around and suggests is actually lazy...why not running like in the past? (Even though doing OTHER things MASSIVE with global reach, just not...running while legs are healing.)
And let us say that person exhausts family support and goes to others. And gets shocked at times, by a jolt, from some people supposedly helping trying to jolt into a run!!! Turns out? These people are looking at the person and are like, they don't see anything wrong.
Ok, well doctor...they don't believe in doctors, or any of that nonsense...they just know when people don't want to work! Or, um run. And this analogy begins to stretch credulity with PHYSICAL concerns.
But how many may know people who do NOT believe in mental health concerns? Maybe do not believe in any of it, think is all a way for lazy people to get over or, maybe think they just need religion? Or something else wacky?
So they PUSH and can happen that there is some break, as a person in mental and emotional AGONY, can respond like someone who has a hairline fracture in their legs being pushed into running all out, by others who refuse to care.
Am lucky though. As I process through my situation am more into leveraging it as well. And more into having no pity: if you are supposed to help people and refuse to accept medical diagnosis? Then I have no problem with that not working out well for you.
As get useful medical care, and continuing support thanks to being a veteran, and thanks to Bibb County, through Macon Housing Authority, appreciate the simplest thing: support that has the goal of real recovery.
Have run into people who clearly prefer to play games with other people's lives. And I'm like, ok.
We will witness, where we are the world, how that works out for you.
Which to me is a promise of transparency and as well as I can, best process.
Public works better for both. And in my opinion, is far safer too.
James Harris
Before did glide along as like to say, with a sense of handling things and taking care of myself as a very independent person, while feeling frustrated with my wariness in relationships.
And THOUGHT was more advanced in talking sexual abuse by two teenage girl babysitters when was 5.
But was shocked to get massive relief recently by FINALLY talking being beaten till I bled by my father when was 6. Where concluded was legacy slave training, which afflicts a population in the US not facing a brutal legacy.
Can be difficult to explain my mental things I think, even to myself. Feel like is against my training to properly accept. And now have come up with an analogy I find useful and will share as think will probably use a lot if really works well.
Like imagine a runner, who develops a hairline fracture in one or both legs, and GOES TO a doctor, who diagnoses it, and gets a treatment plan, which includes plenty of leg rest. But that runner's family? Gets tired of that person lying around and suggests is actually lazy...why not running like in the past? (Even though doing OTHER things MASSIVE with global reach, just not...running while legs are healing.)
And let us say that person exhausts family support and goes to others. And gets shocked at times, by a jolt, from some people supposedly helping trying to jolt into a run!!! Turns out? These people are looking at the person and are like, they don't see anything wrong.
Ok, well doctor...they don't believe in doctors, or any of that nonsense...they just know when people don't want to work! Or, um run. And this analogy begins to stretch credulity with PHYSICAL concerns.
But how many may know people who do NOT believe in mental health concerns? Maybe do not believe in any of it, think is all a way for lazy people to get over or, maybe think they just need religion? Or something else wacky?
So they PUSH and can happen that there is some break, as a person in mental and emotional AGONY, can respond like someone who has a hairline fracture in their legs being pushed into running all out, by others who refuse to care.
Am lucky though. As I process through my situation am more into leveraging it as well. And more into having no pity: if you are supposed to help people and refuse to accept medical diagnosis? Then I have no problem with that not working out well for you.
As get useful medical care, and continuing support thanks to being a veteran, and thanks to Bibb County, through Macon Housing Authority, appreciate the simplest thing: support that has the goal of real recovery.
Have run into people who clearly prefer to play games with other people's lives. And I'm like, ok.
We will witness, where we are the world, how that works out for you.
Which to me is a promise of transparency and as well as I can, best process.
Public works better for both. And in my opinion, is far safer too.
James Harris
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
When truth is of hurt
There can be a problem with shame. Am 50 years old now, and most of my life have been ashamed of the fierce beatings received as a child. Including my most memorable one at 6 years old when was beaten so badly with a leather belt, my legs were bleeding.
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
Saturday, October 12, 2019
When you value your work
Have wanted to be a writer since was a kid, and should also add, after a short story as a child amazed adults around me. And luckily for me, am much into learning what something can take, and long ago learned to read a LOT, and very importantly--gather life experiences.
Which can be an excuse for the road not usually traveled often, but also can mean that you take for granted that making money can become a problem. Where also long ago accepted might not ever make a living as a writer. And for that reason and others, appreciate that I have a LOT of job related skills and like to think value doing a good job.
So when a burst of activity pushing trying to make a living with my own things, like my writing failed, and ended up evicted and in a homeless shelter, part of me was like, ok. But also was EXTREMELY disappointed as am used to succeeding at things when exert MAXIMUM effort. And I did try, very hard. Making money with my things still eludes me.
After months in the homeless shelter where being a veteran allowed that to even happen as they had started up a program for veterans, there was an opportunity opened up. I could go to VECTR center in Warner Robins, GA, USA, and get more help as a veteran. And thankfully was taken there.
Told them my story. And was reluctantly convinced more schooling could help and talked into a class on networking which would lead to CISCO certification. Was like, ok, well at least is in IT. But still, have a DEGREE in physics and have worked as a software developer AND have a current open source software product used all over the world. But hadn't figured out how to make money. Where was increasingly more suspicious--was something else going on with ME maybe?
But signed up for it, and then was told instructor wasn't available. And THEN was signed up for heating and air, and was like, huh? But what could I do? Had been in a homeless shelter for months, and became convinced of a new plan: would pick up new job skills so could at least make money and support myself.
Which made sense to me as want to be a writer, and would just be yet another move down a path that might not seem obvious to others, and could gather more life experiences. So I rolled with it.
Not surprisingly to me the classwork was easy for me, so was a top student, but have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University, so was like...duh. But lead to all kinds of things including a car and was very grateful, but also lead to housing from Macon Housing Authority.
And then realized also had some mental things going on that needed addressing. But the pressure was on to work, and with help, ended up actually working in the heating and air industry, which lasted for just under two months.
Am proud of the work I did. Consider that heating and air means as one business owner emphasized: workers are going in when those things are NOT working.
Like in Georgia, USA, can mean stunning heat, like going into hot attics where person is IMMEDIATELY drenched in sweat. Or in winter can deal with stunning cold.
Is actually a highly skilled profession too, where can be doing important electrical work in those conditions. And requires a basic level of ability at about the level of an entry level construction worker, including facility with a variety of hand tools. Luckily for me at least was good with a portable electric drill, which is used so much is like a third hand.
Here's a picture of my impact driver:
Love those things. Oh and got an idea from that removable battery it has--why not hotload electric buses? Bus with a low battery could roll in to depot, battery is switched out, and bus could immediately roll on. Have NO idea if that is already done or not, but like to just toss ideas out there.
But yeah was still definitely a newbie and was AMAZED at very patient teaching from technicians who were more patient and dedicated in explaining things to ME than I have ever been on the job. And guess it partly has to do with the reality they face: LOTS of turnover.
Was told often had to try to work with people with even fewer skills than I had, which amazed me.
But also worth noting something else I found out VERY odd and disturbing: when talked about going into heating and air with other veterans? Was stunned to often find they had also received training in it, but were they still doing it? No.
Is like is some go-to field for trying to introduce struggling people. Um, is an all-weather field that requires rugged individuals who can lift often heavy air conditioning equipment. Lugged quite a few rather heavy bulky items up stairs with sometimes one or more technicians helping.
That is NOT for everyone. And why try to shoehorn so many veterans into one area? And how does that impact reception in that industry?
People I interacted with were often amazing and got along well with them--except for TWO people who lead to me getting fired. Which was ok really. (Yeah write that. But yeah who likes being fired? I don't.) Had begun to really wonder about that path, like when was on a construction site on some beams looking down at the distant floor.
How could people supposedly working to help veterans be so casual with what it might take for any particular veteran to do a job?
And I think is just not really considering the details. Feel like they just know is an open field, which needs LOTS of people, where pay is good. Which to them is enough. It should not be.
In my case though realized, had other important things to work on, with my mental health, and a unique opportunity, which could not pass up. And now? Feel immensely better and really is about Macon Housing Authority. Where yeah that is including mental health care. And has been far better than support from the VA. Maybe VA should talk to them for guidance on better.
Sadly after the publicity was done, which included a LOT of television appearances, readily admit distanced myself from VECTR staff. Sure they were VERY helpful in ways, like helping me with food and money.
But more I talked mental health? More I realized was a subject NOT welcome. And when the pressure to just continue to some other job after lost that first one was relentless? I simply pushed away. Thank God.
James Harris
Which can be an excuse for the road not usually traveled often, but also can mean that you take for granted that making money can become a problem. Where also long ago accepted might not ever make a living as a writer. And for that reason and others, appreciate that I have a LOT of job related skills and like to think value doing a good job.
So when a burst of activity pushing trying to make a living with my own things, like my writing failed, and ended up evicted and in a homeless shelter, part of me was like, ok. But also was EXTREMELY disappointed as am used to succeeding at things when exert MAXIMUM effort. And I did try, very hard. Making money with my things still eludes me.
After months in the homeless shelter where being a veteran allowed that to even happen as they had started up a program for veterans, there was an opportunity opened up. I could go to VECTR center in Warner Robins, GA, USA, and get more help as a veteran. And thankfully was taken there.
Told them my story. And was reluctantly convinced more schooling could help and talked into a class on networking which would lead to CISCO certification. Was like, ok, well at least is in IT. But still, have a DEGREE in physics and have worked as a software developer AND have a current open source software product used all over the world. But hadn't figured out how to make money. Where was increasingly more suspicious--was something else going on with ME maybe?
But signed up for it, and then was told instructor wasn't available. And THEN was signed up for heating and air, and was like, huh? But what could I do? Had been in a homeless shelter for months, and became convinced of a new plan: would pick up new job skills so could at least make money and support myself.
Which made sense to me as want to be a writer, and would just be yet another move down a path that might not seem obvious to others, and could gather more life experiences. So I rolled with it.
Not surprisingly to me the classwork was easy for me, so was a top student, but have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University, so was like...duh. But lead to all kinds of things including a car and was very grateful, but also lead to housing from Macon Housing Authority.
And then realized also had some mental things going on that needed addressing. But the pressure was on to work, and with help, ended up actually working in the heating and air industry, which lasted for just under two months.
Am proud of the work I did. Consider that heating and air means as one business owner emphasized: workers are going in when those things are NOT working.
Like in Georgia, USA, can mean stunning heat, like going into hot attics where person is IMMEDIATELY drenched in sweat. Or in winter can deal with stunning cold.
Is actually a highly skilled profession too, where can be doing important electrical work in those conditions. And requires a basic level of ability at about the level of an entry level construction worker, including facility with a variety of hand tools. Luckily for me at least was good with a portable electric drill, which is used so much is like a third hand.
Here's a picture of my impact driver:
Love those things. Oh and got an idea from that removable battery it has--why not hotload electric buses? Bus with a low battery could roll in to depot, battery is switched out, and bus could immediately roll on. Have NO idea if that is already done or not, but like to just toss ideas out there.
But yeah was still definitely a newbie and was AMAZED at very patient teaching from technicians who were more patient and dedicated in explaining things to ME than I have ever been on the job. And guess it partly has to do with the reality they face: LOTS of turnover.
Was told often had to try to work with people with even fewer skills than I had, which amazed me.
But also worth noting something else I found out VERY odd and disturbing: when talked about going into heating and air with other veterans? Was stunned to often find they had also received training in it, but were they still doing it? No.
Is like is some go-to field for trying to introduce struggling people. Um, is an all-weather field that requires rugged individuals who can lift often heavy air conditioning equipment. Lugged quite a few rather heavy bulky items up stairs with sometimes one or more technicians helping.
That is NOT for everyone. And why try to shoehorn so many veterans into one area? And how does that impact reception in that industry?
People I interacted with were often amazing and got along well with them--except for TWO people who lead to me getting fired. Which was ok really. (Yeah write that. But yeah who likes being fired? I don't.) Had begun to really wonder about that path, like when was on a construction site on some beams looking down at the distant floor.
How could people supposedly working to help veterans be so casual with what it might take for any particular veteran to do a job?
And I think is just not really considering the details. Feel like they just know is an open field, which needs LOTS of people, where pay is good. Which to them is enough. It should not be.
In my case though realized, had other important things to work on, with my mental health, and a unique opportunity, which could not pass up. And now? Feel immensely better and really is about Macon Housing Authority. Where yeah that is including mental health care. And has been far better than support from the VA. Maybe VA should talk to them for guidance on better.
Sadly after the publicity was done, which included a LOT of television appearances, readily admit distanced myself from VECTR staff. Sure they were VERY helpful in ways, like helping me with food and money.
But more I talked mental health? More I realized was a subject NOT welcome. And when the pressure to just continue to some other job after lost that first one was relentless? I simply pushed away. Thank God.
James Harris
Monday, October 7, 2019
Going well where matters most
Am still amazed at support am getting from Macon Housing Authority. Was a key thing for me last year getting a housing voucher, which lead to me staying at a place which is very supportive for people with mental concerns.
After my short stint working in the field of heating in air which I talked in this post was a bit surprised to find myself going through a healing phase.
And should add the work was for the most part a great experience even if a brief time. Met a lot of great folks, including talking to more than one person surprised was going into the field at THIS point in my life.
Most of the folks were half my age and will put out there that if you have the skills is an area where you can come from a lot of different backgrounds.
Well I have lots of skills but they also include coding for computers, and lots of other IT including tech support. And have been an office worker my entire life. Felt really like something went wrong with direction which talked in my post where acknowledged financial challenges remain.
Support staff with Macon Housing Authority though--have been life savers.
And things are going well now and they are helping me address more things! Will admit had been wary about going to them, having had a lot of bad experiences in the past--when felt like people were not really listening. And discussed that in THIS post where was specific to VA, where things have gotten better too.
Also found myself thinking of a post from YEARS ago: Thoughts on my story
Where talked how ended up with highest SAT of my graduating class. And yeah went on to Vanderbilt University, where got my degree in physics. And I like to talk about my story. But had some people decide, and I mean DECIDE I should be a heating and air technician and apply a LOT of pressure on me. And have to wonder. What do they think they know better than I do?
Is like am talking to people not really listening. With no concept of consequences either, which I find odd. Am a VERY public person, you know?
Like an example of what I mean about NOT listening to me? Repeatedly have had suggestions to work for the federal government, as gives priority to veterans. Well I don't want to work for the federal government and AM outspoken with our current president. Here is an example:
Closing in on a year since was given a car and not surprisingly there is follow-up interest. Am thinking my story shows the reality of coming back from struggle, where progress can be in fits and starts, and focus on COMPLETE health, is the priority. Complete health of course includes mental health, and glad to be able to publicly admit--am working on mine.
Been editing this post and that will continue. But feel like left off something should address--greater difficulty in talking mental health in Black Community. Where have a dark explanation, which is MINE, and wish to emphasize.
But is like where noted in a previous post was shocked to learn that whipping could kill an adult from shock if that adult had never been whipped. And yeah, to me should be common sense that American slavery could have lasting consequences. And like, what would happen to a severely mentally ill slave?
Do not think have ever noticed that discussed. Am confident would not end up in a mental asylum, and you cannot beat someone out of mental illness--only makes worse. And cannot just talk out of it either, so my suspicion is that they were simply killed. Could be wrong, would like to know if there is anything from historians on this subject. But if so, yeah that could explain a learned reticence among slaves to talk mental problems which continued after slavery ended over 150 years ago.
There is a reality today that begs for explanation and think American slavery can reasonably be suspected to have much to do with it.
Mental health is part of complete health and should not be a source of shame when a person needs medical care in that area any more than needed medical care for physical problems.
For all we know, for a long time for a slave, mental illness could have been a death sentence, and if so, the community would have worked hard to hide for as long as possible. And yeah there is speculation there, but if is correct that needs to be addressed so can be dropped. Slavery ended over 150 years ago will repeat, but Black Community cannot end its influence if not facing all it might have inflicted upon its victims.
We can face the truth.
James Harris
After my short stint working in the field of heating in air which I talked in this post was a bit surprised to find myself going through a healing phase.
And should add the work was for the most part a great experience even if a brief time. Met a lot of great folks, including talking to more than one person surprised was going into the field at THIS point in my life.
Most of the folks were half my age and will put out there that if you have the skills is an area where you can come from a lot of different backgrounds.
Well I have lots of skills but they also include coding for computers, and lots of other IT including tech support. And have been an office worker my entire life. Felt really like something went wrong with direction which talked in my post where acknowledged financial challenges remain.
Support staff with Macon Housing Authority though--have been life savers.
And things are going well now and they are helping me address more things! Will admit had been wary about going to them, having had a lot of bad experiences in the past--when felt like people were not really listening. And discussed that in THIS post where was specific to VA, where things have gotten better too.
Also found myself thinking of a post from YEARS ago: Thoughts on my story
Where talked how ended up with highest SAT of my graduating class. And yeah went on to Vanderbilt University, where got my degree in physics. And I like to talk about my story. But had some people decide, and I mean DECIDE I should be a heating and air technician and apply a LOT of pressure on me. And have to wonder. What do they think they know better than I do?
Is like am talking to people not really listening. With no concept of consequences either, which I find odd. Am a VERY public person, you know?
Like an example of what I mean about NOT listening to me? Repeatedly have had suggestions to work for the federal government, as gives priority to veterans. Well I don't want to work for the federal government and AM outspoken with our current president. Here is an example:
Here is link to that tweet on Twitter. And I really like that tweet. I think it is extremely on point, and also rather clever--confident not raised by wolves? Ok. So what's this nonsense about ME working for the US Government?@POTUS Am confident you were NOT raised by wolves. Or course if you wish to poop wherever, run around without clothes and howl at the Moon?Maybe can go live in the woods anyway like a wolf.But if wish to live in cities with your fellow humans?Then you need to follow RULES.
Closing in on a year since was given a car and not surprisingly there is follow-up interest. Am thinking my story shows the reality of coming back from struggle, where progress can be in fits and starts, and focus on COMPLETE health, is the priority. Complete health of course includes mental health, and glad to be able to publicly admit--am working on mine.
Been editing this post and that will continue. But feel like left off something should address--greater difficulty in talking mental health in Black Community. Where have a dark explanation, which is MINE, and wish to emphasize.
But is like where noted in a previous post was shocked to learn that whipping could kill an adult from shock if that adult had never been whipped. And yeah, to me should be common sense that American slavery could have lasting consequences. And like, what would happen to a severely mentally ill slave?
Do not think have ever noticed that discussed. Am confident would not end up in a mental asylum, and you cannot beat someone out of mental illness--only makes worse. And cannot just talk out of it either, so my suspicion is that they were simply killed. Could be wrong, would like to know if there is anything from historians on this subject. But if so, yeah that could explain a learned reticence among slaves to talk mental problems which continued after slavery ended over 150 years ago.
There is a reality today that begs for explanation and think American slavery can reasonably be suspected to have much to do with it.
Mental health is part of complete health and should not be a source of shame when a person needs medical care in that area any more than needed medical care for physical problems.
For all we know, for a long time for a slave, mental illness could have been a death sentence, and if so, the community would have worked hard to hide for as long as possible. And yeah there is speculation there, but if is correct that needs to be addressed so can be dropped. Slavery ended over 150 years ago will repeat, but Black Community cannot end its influence if not facing all it might have inflicted upon its victims.
We can face the truth.
James Harris
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Here I go again
Update Oct. 6th: Still have web, thank God. Things are still in progress though. But working on my mental health with greatest focus? Priceless.
Update 11:29 EST: Cox Cable gave me till October 5th to pay full balance, without service interruption. Good people there.
Well things were looking up in ways, but then again, was still troubled with how things were working out. Talked here about how using programs supposed to help veterans lead to me being evicted for the first time in my life.
In a shelter for MONTHS the plan ended up being me getting more training, even though I have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University and currently have an open source software program used around the world, and can do technical support in IT.
Well I rolled with it, as what could I do? Stay in a shelter? And the FIRST suggestion was training for networks, and then that fell through and was enrolled in a course for heating and air. Ok. What could I do? (Wondered to myself, bait and switch?)
I rolled with it, and decided to make the best of it. With stable income figured could get back to my goals eventually as realized really like to write. And was given a car and ended up all over television and it did seem like destiny then.
Well despite me doing my best the heating and air position I got, didn't last. Ended up fired in less than two months, which wasn't fun either. However had made enough money to give me some time to plan, I thought.
Consistently though, supposed help guides me away from what I want to do. And as more recently pondered 100 degree Fahrenheit heat while was in air conditioning comfort, was thinking: I could be OUT there in that, and why? My most financially valuable skill sets and interests are in different areas. Am listening to the wrong people? Think so.
(Should note a different perspective on people who routinely work in VERY hot or otherwise distressed conditions maintaining or repairing heating and air conditioning equipment! Will never take them for granted again.)
And, realized was not a minor thing. Turned 50 this year and have people supposedly trying to help me, trying to get me STARTED in a career where most people are half my age, where often would be in broiling heat?
Maybe not really my friends, eh? And went back to them as needed a bit of help, and got NOTHING. Which did surprise me.
The car? Well, I can't pay for gas now. And USAA is going to cancel my insurance. And am typing fast as Cox Cable gave me a disconnect notice earlier. (Now have more time as noted above.)
But am upbeat. Need to take direction of my own life and forget job help for veterans. Still need the other help though. Thankfully Macon Housing Authority has me in a place where have no rent--so thank God, no eviction threat THIS time. And am getting mental health services through Bibb County and VA, which is a godsend. Yeah mentally am feeling better than have in a LONG time.
So all is worth it. Finally got help that has helped IMMENSELY there at least.
But having people NOT listen to me and guide me into very life changing directions which could literally be like Hell on Earth? Am very sensibly done with that. And is sad. Is not really helpful when people are not listening to you.
Have tons of skills and should have lots of options with guidance, but people have to listen, and actually help. Well am old enough to not cry over the past and to appreciate lessons learned.
Will get past these latest struggles, and get to better control over my life.
James Harris
Update 11:29 EST: Cox Cable gave me till October 5th to pay full balance, without service interruption. Good people there.
Well things were looking up in ways, but then again, was still troubled with how things were working out. Talked here about how using programs supposed to help veterans lead to me being evicted for the first time in my life.
In a shelter for MONTHS the plan ended up being me getting more training, even though I have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University and currently have an open source software program used around the world, and can do technical support in IT.
Well I rolled with it, as what could I do? Stay in a shelter? And the FIRST suggestion was training for networks, and then that fell through and was enrolled in a course for heating and air. Ok. What could I do? (Wondered to myself, bait and switch?)
I rolled with it, and decided to make the best of it. With stable income figured could get back to my goals eventually as realized really like to write. And was given a car and ended up all over television and it did seem like destiny then.
Well despite me doing my best the heating and air position I got, didn't last. Ended up fired in less than two months, which wasn't fun either. However had made enough money to give me some time to plan, I thought.
Consistently though, supposed help guides me away from what I want to do. And as more recently pondered 100 degree Fahrenheit heat while was in air conditioning comfort, was thinking: I could be OUT there in that, and why? My most financially valuable skill sets and interests are in different areas. Am listening to the wrong people? Think so.
(Should note a different perspective on people who routinely work in VERY hot or otherwise distressed conditions maintaining or repairing heating and air conditioning equipment! Will never take them for granted again.)
And, realized was not a minor thing. Turned 50 this year and have people supposedly trying to help me, trying to get me STARTED in a career where most people are half my age, where often would be in broiling heat?
Maybe not really my friends, eh? And went back to them as needed a bit of help, and got NOTHING. Which did surprise me.
The car? Well, I can't pay for gas now. And USAA is going to cancel my insurance. And am typing fast as Cox Cable gave me a disconnect notice earlier. (Now have more time as noted above.)
But am upbeat. Need to take direction of my own life and forget job help for veterans. Still need the other help though. Thankfully Macon Housing Authority has me in a place where have no rent--so thank God, no eviction threat THIS time. And am getting mental health services through Bibb County and VA, which is a godsend. Yeah mentally am feeling better than have in a LONG time.
So all is worth it. Finally got help that has helped IMMENSELY there at least.
But having people NOT listen to me and guide me into very life changing directions which could literally be like Hell on Earth? Am very sensibly done with that. And is sad. Is not really helpful when people are not listening to you.
Have tons of skills and should have lots of options with guidance, but people have to listen, and actually help. Well am old enough to not cry over the past and to appreciate lessons learned.
Will get past these latest struggles, and get to better control over my life.
James Harris
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Facing the legacy of American slavery
Have discussed impact of American slavery more than once on this blog. Like was stunning to me to conclude that Black folks were trained to take unequal pay, with lessons learned with the aftermath of slavery over 150 years ago. Yet still today, so many will accept far less money than they should in pay, so the people cheating them, can simply pocket it.
Deciding you will not be held by things from a tragic past is a great thing I believe for Black people in the US. But how do you know?
Like grew up in Georgia, USA, with parents who thought of themselves as devout Christians, and received beatings with a leather belt, including one so intense from my father that my legs were bleeding. I was six years old. Will never forget. And I know I know what torture feels like, from experience.
Years ago was shocked when came across the information that an adult who has never been beaten may die when first whipped. The shock of the whip can kill them. So they need to be prepared for it. And works best when beaten from a young age. And I knew why, finally.
My parents were preparing me for whips that were silenced over 150 years ago, and yet would probably not accept such an explanation. Repeatedly have heard Black people in the South bragging about beating their children, infuriated at attempts to stop them.
We are born equal, as human beings. But tragic mechanisms can be propagated endlessly until faced.
I imagine that slave families preferred to beat their children ahead of the slaveowners, who made sure it was done, to limit losses when whipping adults.
Today all people in the US need to demand proper pay for their work. Is that simple. And we need also to demand safe spaces. Just some simple things to actually move this country beyond past horrors.
So yes, I talk about torture as I do as have experienced it--as a child. I pray that no longer is routine for any American children, but for now? We are not there yet.
Dare I admit that a part of me struggles with the weakness I feel I witness in others though? That yeah, being beaten so brutally made me different. And yeah I understand torture, and power. Am scared of myself too at times, but feel better admitting it here. I know how to inflict pain.
How does one gain the power of such knowledge--safely? I wonder.
But I can choose to be someone I can keep liking. Can choose to be a friend to my species. Can choose to try to be a better human being.
Maybe as a kid? You really just need to take martial arts classes, if need to go in a certain direction. Yeah, I like that answer. Am certain getting beaten viciously is not the way.
We can do better as human beings in training our children am sure. We can do better in finding best ways.
James Harris
Deciding you will not be held by things from a tragic past is a great thing I believe for Black people in the US. But how do you know?
Like grew up in Georgia, USA, with parents who thought of themselves as devout Christians, and received beatings with a leather belt, including one so intense from my father that my legs were bleeding. I was six years old. Will never forget. And I know I know what torture feels like, from experience.
Years ago was shocked when came across the information that an adult who has never been beaten may die when first whipped. The shock of the whip can kill them. So they need to be prepared for it. And works best when beaten from a young age. And I knew why, finally.
My parents were preparing me for whips that were silenced over 150 years ago, and yet would probably not accept such an explanation. Repeatedly have heard Black people in the South bragging about beating their children, infuriated at attempts to stop them.
We are born equal, as human beings. But tragic mechanisms can be propagated endlessly until faced.
I imagine that slave families preferred to beat their children ahead of the slaveowners, who made sure it was done, to limit losses when whipping adults.
Today all people in the US need to demand proper pay for their work. Is that simple. And we need also to demand safe spaces. Just some simple things to actually move this country beyond past horrors.
So yes, I talk about torture as I do as have experienced it--as a child. I pray that no longer is routine for any American children, but for now? We are not there yet.
Dare I admit that a part of me struggles with the weakness I feel I witness in others though? That yeah, being beaten so brutally made me different. And yeah I understand torture, and power. Am scared of myself too at times, but feel better admitting it here. I know how to inflict pain.
How does one gain the power of such knowledge--safely? I wonder.
But I can choose to be someone I can keep liking. Can choose to be a friend to my species. Can choose to try to be a better human being.
Maybe as a kid? You really just need to take martial arts classes, if need to go in a certain direction. Yeah, I like that answer. Am certain getting beaten viciously is not the way.
We can do better as human beings in training our children am sure. We can do better in finding best ways.
James Harris
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Truth, belief and facts considered
Having people believe you can seem so basic, until it becomes hard. And for years now did not realize the devastating impact on me until finally had someone at the VA who simply did not dismiss or ignore facts. And have been open about seeking out mental health. It is a great thing. And appreciate that my status as a veteran means can get it, but what good if you are not believed?
In my case of course now it seems obvious that finding out have things that pull attention from 100+ countries might have an impact, including anxiety. Where also, yeah, if you are talking to a person who pulls that kind of attention that can impact you as well.
And yeah, have thought about wanting some of these VA folks to go before US Congress and testify about how they could ignore CHECKABLE facts from veterans, like myself, and then proceed as if those were irrelevant, even when pushed.
Like with me, web was dismissed--over and over and over again, until now. And feel like maybe am talking more freely because finally got a therapist who was accepting rather than dismissive and rejecting. And make no mistake, when am talking about prior people with VA dismissing the web they were not nice about it really. I'd get the feeling like they thought I was an idiot or was just lazy or lived in a fantasy world. And what could I do?
And yeah, to the US Congress I think part of reforming the VA is checking with veterans as to whether or not FACTS with regard to them are believed or DISMISSED by VA providers. From my talks with other veterans I think it is a huge and outrageous problem, where if a VA person doesn't feel comfortable or interested with a FACT in YOUR case then can just bizarrely proceed--as if does not exist.
You have to believe in people. How can you help someone if you refuse to show you believe in them in important ways? In my experience, you cannot. And found was not helped, as my problems continued.
Seems simple to me: how about a simple question for veterans like myself as to whether feel like checkable facts have been carefully noted and actually considered when elevated as important.
Like in my case is easy enough to web search. Search on: Class Viewer.
There is a website on SourceForge which should come up on any search engine. Comes up on all the ones I try. And you can click on, go to download stats, and shift to annual, like look at 2018.
Just did that for THIS post and there were downloads from 105 countries last year. Last one listed is Qatar.
IF you had something pulling attention from over 100 countries annually, and had a sense that getting that RIGHT was important how would you feel if some VA staffer supposedly helping you not only DISMISSED but refused to even check?
I've been infuriated. And make no mistake, maybe some of them will end up in front of the US Congress trying to explain if I can make it happen. I think would be great for the VA, great for veterans to get taken seriously--ALWAYS, and great for our country.
And hey, now kudos to the VA as have someone now helping me who DOES take me seriously, so can end on a positive. Right now desperately need that help. But when I hear about veterans who...just too many sad stories and am not surprised. I wonder who in the VA was not really listening with them.
James Harris
In my case of course now it seems obvious that finding out have things that pull attention from 100+ countries might have an impact, including anxiety. Where also, yeah, if you are talking to a person who pulls that kind of attention that can impact you as well.
And yeah, have thought about wanting some of these VA folks to go before US Congress and testify about how they could ignore CHECKABLE facts from veterans, like myself, and then proceed as if those were irrelevant, even when pushed.
Like with me, web was dismissed--over and over and over again, until now. And feel like maybe am talking more freely because finally got a therapist who was accepting rather than dismissive and rejecting. And make no mistake, when am talking about prior people with VA dismissing the web they were not nice about it really. I'd get the feeling like they thought I was an idiot or was just lazy or lived in a fantasy world. And what could I do?
And yeah, to the US Congress I think part of reforming the VA is checking with veterans as to whether or not FACTS with regard to them are believed or DISMISSED by VA providers. From my talks with other veterans I think it is a huge and outrageous problem, where if a VA person doesn't feel comfortable or interested with a FACT in YOUR case then can just bizarrely proceed--as if does not exist.
You have to believe in people. How can you help someone if you refuse to show you believe in them in important ways? In my experience, you cannot. And found was not helped, as my problems continued.
Seems simple to me: how about a simple question for veterans like myself as to whether feel like checkable facts have been carefully noted and actually considered when elevated as important.
Like in my case is easy enough to web search. Search on: Class Viewer.
There is a website on SourceForge which should come up on any search engine. Comes up on all the ones I try. And you can click on, go to download stats, and shift to annual, like look at 2018.
Just did that for THIS post and there were downloads from 105 countries last year. Last one listed is Qatar.
IF you had something pulling attention from over 100 countries annually, and had a sense that getting that RIGHT was important how would you feel if some VA staffer supposedly helping you not only DISMISSED but refused to even check?
I've been infuriated. And make no mistake, maybe some of them will end up in front of the US Congress trying to explain if I can make it happen. I think would be great for the VA, great for veterans to get taken seriously--ALWAYS, and great for our country.
And hey, now kudos to the VA as have someone now helping me who DOES take me seriously, so can end on a positive. Right now desperately need that help. But when I hear about veterans who...just too many sad stories and am not surprised. I wonder who in the VA was not really listening with them.
James Harris
Monday, May 13, 2019
Global opportunity and natural risk
Having great news can also mean things can get more difficult in ways, which have experienced for years with a challenging situation involving global attention. And definitely sought for years as for years worked at making my own major mathematical discoveries where also now readily admit had an eye at challenging racist notions by being a major discoverer.
Well over 15 years ago managed to get published with a paper that demonstrated that you could appear to prove one thing with established mathematical ideas where you could disprove with a second argument. That is, I thoroughly demonstrated that the foundation of established mathematics was flawed and with a published paper. Have talked that situation in-depth on my math blog where here will note the chief editor deleted my paper out of the electronic edition, claiming was withdrawn when it was not. That math journal managed one more edition then shutdown, and its hosting university scrubbed its existence from its website!
Way wacky but also kind of messed up cool, eh? That was very stunning to me.
Of course one possibility had to consider was that I was just wrong. And regardless felt like wasn't much I could do, as back then was committed to getting official recognition and following the rules. And I DID follow the rules and GOT published, but hey, like I said, maybe I was wrong? (I wasn't wrong.)
Well without official recognition and help, worked on figuring it all out myself, and also figured should keep going with my math discovery. Which was a great decision! And now have verified THAT prior paper, while simplifying and doing many other things. (Like I put out the idea that entertainment is: any way to safely control your mood.)
Late 2010 decided should put up a recent picture to show was a Black guy focused on math and computers as oh yeah, also put up my open source Class Viewer back in 2004, and had found out was getting downloaded from all over the world. A bit after putting up my picture got laid off from my day-job working at an insurance company as a claims technician which involved a lot of data entry primarily of numbers--which not surprisingly I really liked!
Well had a great package with the lay-off off and saw as an opportunity to finally focus on these web things again, and decided I should just figure it out!
So focused on my global standing as went over my blogs with a different way. Weird to state but probably was first time accepted in some way that I did need to work on it, but didn't tell myself that consciously I don't think. Just felt like needed to clean things up.
Web is so new! And am sure in the future will seem incredible that I had such a debate around web stats showing global interest or have struggled as much as I have with figuring out how to monetize. But was looking at a report of 125 countries/territories visiting my math blog, as Google Analytics put it.
And remember I'd gotten a published math paper with wacky happening, and had been certain needed the math establishment to bless my results for anything to happen.
The web analytics told otherwise. But then didn't seem to connect to much useful to me and was so mysterious wasn't sure of them.
Oh yeah, so also realized that being a Black guy meant would probably end up being political if my results were accepted whether I wished that to happen or not. And was ready for it to happen as wanted to challenge American racism head-on. And came up with my own political party called Core Middle Party and posted a platform on this blog back October 2011.
Was easier coming up with an entire political party than just writing down some political concepts, and now over 7 years later is more of a template I use to guide my politics. Back then wasn't sure if might not become an actual new political party, and that really messed with my mind too.
Need I emphasize how unsettled was with much of these things? Sure I'd started wanting my own major math discovery, and found could demonstrate problem with foundations of accepted mathematics, which was not properly acknowledged. Wrote an open source computer program, which went global, but didn't seem to do much else. And settling my political ideas, ended up making up my own political party, and that was just my life.
(Oh yeah does make relationships especially challenging. Spend exhausting amounts of time on the web so hard for that reason to meet anybody and especially possibles. And even if I did get out more, can you imagine trying to explain these things to an interested woman? Would she stay interested? Seems to me so much like a muddled mess. So am not surprised have also ended up being relentlessly single.)
While meanwhile needed an income. And have talked much of the struggles there. But am looking at much news now of people who reached highly, but couldn't back it up with solid. Would rather do it my way, have that money a distant goal, than get it early and have things fall apart.
Yeah money is important, but safety is more important.
And hey, what if I DID become some major figure for Black folks before had it all settled and collapsed THEN into a muddled mess? I mean, hey, talking about foundations of MATHEMATICS have a demonstrated flaw? Could stop with just that, but there was so much more.
Yeah say for Black folks, but at this level, really is for the human species. Has taken me some time to accept that one as well. But hey, I put things up, and have from objective sources...attention from all over the world.
How'd I get here? Really? Can talk it and talk it, which helps me too. But a part of me, still wonders.
And where was the press? Where were other math people to back me up? Or any smart people to back me up?
Such questions easily can cause time to comfortably fly by, which is ok with me, now. If weren't for struggles making a living would be much calmer with it.
Looking at the news and paying close attention to people getting in trouble. And realize is better to go safer, slower and carefully. So what if am struggling with money, when at my level, could be dealing with much bigger problems and after having been declared some kind of success.
Time to process is time to get to a more stable place.
And at least am past using surreal all the time. For a bit kept going on and on about how was all so surreal. Is real. Is my life and so much of it is really great news. Just have to process is all.
Still, do have to worry about my global standing. Have come up with a simple set of phrases to help me:
One planet. Many peoples. One human species.
Finally, belatedly maybe talk more boldly about being a major discoverer, and even came up with what I think is a cool functional title: meta innovator
Am a 21st century major discoverer, and guess is not surprising things would be rather wild. Actually think is really cool am a Black guy. Have thought would have been great if a woman had my discoveries too, but think is just great someone from left field, you could say, did.
So gets to be me and more and more, am rolling with it. Oh yeah, so yeah, there is risk with this position why have to focus on my global standing! With attention from all over planet Earth, have to do my best to be responsible, and present well.
James Harris
Well over 15 years ago managed to get published with a paper that demonstrated that you could appear to prove one thing with established mathematical ideas where you could disprove with a second argument. That is, I thoroughly demonstrated that the foundation of established mathematics was flawed and with a published paper. Have talked that situation in-depth on my math blog where here will note the chief editor deleted my paper out of the electronic edition, claiming was withdrawn when it was not. That math journal managed one more edition then shutdown, and its hosting university scrubbed its existence from its website!
Way wacky but also kind of messed up cool, eh? That was very stunning to me.
Of course one possibility had to consider was that I was just wrong. And regardless felt like wasn't much I could do, as back then was committed to getting official recognition and following the rules. And I DID follow the rules and GOT published, but hey, like I said, maybe I was wrong? (I wasn't wrong.)
Well without official recognition and help, worked on figuring it all out myself, and also figured should keep going with my math discovery. Which was a great decision! And now have verified THAT prior paper, while simplifying and doing many other things. (Like I put out the idea that entertainment is: any way to safely control your mood.)
Late 2010 decided should put up a recent picture to show was a Black guy focused on math and computers as oh yeah, also put up my open source Class Viewer back in 2004, and had found out was getting downloaded from all over the world. A bit after putting up my picture got laid off from my day-job working at an insurance company as a claims technician which involved a lot of data entry primarily of numbers--which not surprisingly I really liked!
Well had a great package with the lay-off off and saw as an opportunity to finally focus on these web things again, and decided I should just figure it out!
So focused on my global standing as went over my blogs with a different way. Weird to state but probably was first time accepted in some way that I did need to work on it, but didn't tell myself that consciously I don't think. Just felt like needed to clean things up.
Web is so new! And am sure in the future will seem incredible that I had such a debate around web stats showing global interest or have struggled as much as I have with figuring out how to monetize. But was looking at a report of 125 countries/territories visiting my math blog, as Google Analytics put it.
And remember I'd gotten a published math paper with wacky happening, and had been certain needed the math establishment to bless my results for anything to happen.
The web analytics told otherwise. But then didn't seem to connect to much useful to me and was so mysterious wasn't sure of them.
Oh yeah, so also realized that being a Black guy meant would probably end up being political if my results were accepted whether I wished that to happen or not. And was ready for it to happen as wanted to challenge American racism head-on. And came up with my own political party called Core Middle Party and posted a platform on this blog back October 2011.
Was easier coming up with an entire political party than just writing down some political concepts, and now over 7 years later is more of a template I use to guide my politics. Back then wasn't sure if might not become an actual new political party, and that really messed with my mind too.
Need I emphasize how unsettled was with much of these things? Sure I'd started wanting my own major math discovery, and found could demonstrate problem with foundations of accepted mathematics, which was not properly acknowledged. Wrote an open source computer program, which went global, but didn't seem to do much else. And settling my political ideas, ended up making up my own political party, and that was just my life.
(Oh yeah does make relationships especially challenging. Spend exhausting amounts of time on the web so hard for that reason to meet anybody and especially possibles. And even if I did get out more, can you imagine trying to explain these things to an interested woman? Would she stay interested? Seems to me so much like a muddled mess. So am not surprised have also ended up being relentlessly single.)
While meanwhile needed an income. And have talked much of the struggles there. But am looking at much news now of people who reached highly, but couldn't back it up with solid. Would rather do it my way, have that money a distant goal, than get it early and have things fall apart.
Yeah money is important, but safety is more important.
And hey, what if I DID become some major figure for Black folks before had it all settled and collapsed THEN into a muddled mess? I mean, hey, talking about foundations of MATHEMATICS have a demonstrated flaw? Could stop with just that, but there was so much more.
Yeah say for Black folks, but at this level, really is for the human species. Has taken me some time to accept that one as well. But hey, I put things up, and have from objective sources...attention from all over the world.
How'd I get here? Really? Can talk it and talk it, which helps me too. But a part of me, still wonders.
And where was the press? Where were other math people to back me up? Or any smart people to back me up?
Such questions easily can cause time to comfortably fly by, which is ok with me, now. If weren't for struggles making a living would be much calmer with it.
Looking at the news and paying close attention to people getting in trouble. And realize is better to go safer, slower and carefully. So what if am struggling with money, when at my level, could be dealing with much bigger problems and after having been declared some kind of success.
Time to process is time to get to a more stable place.
And at least am past using surreal all the time. For a bit kept going on and on about how was all so surreal. Is real. Is my life and so much of it is really great news. Just have to process is all.
Still, do have to worry about my global standing. Have come up with a simple set of phrases to help me:
One planet. Many peoples. One human species.
Finally, belatedly maybe talk more boldly about being a major discoverer, and even came up with what I think is a cool functional title: meta innovator
Am a 21st century major discoverer, and guess is not surprising things would be rather wild. Actually think is really cool am a Black guy. Have thought would have been great if a woman had my discoveries too, but think is just great someone from left field, you could say, did.
So gets to be me and more and more, am rolling with it. Oh yeah, so yeah, there is risk with this position why have to focus on my global standing! With attention from all over planet Earth, have to do my best to be responsible, and present well.
James Harris
Thursday, April 4, 2019
Progress, setback, and thoughts on proper planning
Have realized probably have a responsibility to continue my story having shared so much already, where am glad I have. And think part of that responsibility is to community as am still relying much on substantial community support.
One good thing that DID happen was got a job in the heating and air industry, which lasted under two months, but am certain was a net positive. (Did help my perspective to watch the documentary Fired! from 2007, where Annabelle Gurwitch with some comedy handles that weighty subject.)
So yeah GOT a job thankfully--where was entry level as a helper, and was using NONE of the training had received before as was primarily work installing air conditioning and heating systems. My training was primarily on service. But was ok at first. Am handy with power tools and could handle moving around a construction area. Still was disconcerting at times being in the rafters wondering how I got there.
Am 49 years old. Have been an office worker my entire life. Even in the military worked in big hospitals and NOT in the field. Still I think I DID manage ok. But yeah, got fired so here is bit more on that story as worked with mostly a great group of folks. And got a LOT of help from very patient and knowledgeable people trying to train a newbie. But also ran into trouble with exactly TWO people who were, let's say relentlessly hostile.
With one reported to a manager, which just made him madder. And fired up the other who went over the line and I reported him to HR. And was to meet with the HR person in the morning the next day. But that morning before that meeting, got called in by the manager and told was fired. Ok, so enough there.
Good news is got a good introduction into the heating and air industry which was more complete and yeah, could actually hold my own. And noticed could handle the other things basic to a job, like showed up always on time and was never late. Worked hard the entire time, as was a point of pride for me which was glad to know had kept. It felt good to be working again, while it lasted.
Also did get some paychecks which gives me some room for proper planning for the next steps. Where yeah, good planning should work better. Was glad for the opportunity but felt rushed into getting ANYTHING before. Now can take more time and plan better.
Oh yeah, so why do I even need to go into another industry when have a degree in physics and experience as a software developer? Good question. More and more am wondering about some of my decision-making and yup, am looking to rely more on others. Reality is haven't really tested potential of my degree or full work experience because of the other things, which I used to like to call the wacky.
So yeah, am better at realizing that knowing have a web reach of 100+ countries EVERY single year is something need to fully understand. And yeah, am being correct that is a business risk for others.
For those who wonder, yeah I have on my resume for that reason. But don't think it necessarily registers with people for some reason. Best guess is: web is so new! There isn't framework maybe to process that information for most? Yeah considering am struggling with it myself, but also am at the center of the storm is how I like to put it. Is hard for me to get outsider perspective.
The web has introduced so many unknowns.
And at least am beyond thinking can just ignore certain facts. Even being potentially known in over 100 countries is not something you can just ignore. Duh. But I have tried before.
And why would I? Because so far so much of it is mysterious as have talked here, or contrary to my expectations, and especially so far, seems bizarrely distant from me making MONEY so it can be infuriating as well.
But you gotta pay the bills, you know? Yeah, of course you do. We all do, one way or another or somebody has to for us. And I need to be back fully in charge.
Oh, yeah, but that 100+ number comes from my open source software project Class Viewer. Which is a tool for Java developers so also there is that comfort that am providing community support myself.
And have plenty of things shared, like here! Where like to think is helpful for our world.
Yeah it is odd to realize that from objective evidence, not my fantasy but data from others, have that global reach.
The exposure at this level is also something has to be considered. Thankfully recent experience let me compare local press coverage exposure as have talked here (here's a link to a video), so can try to get a better handle that way too now.
It IS so very new the reality we have. The web has changed so much.
And guess I get to be one of the pathfinders out here which have noted before. Challenges? Ok. Will handle as best I can. Figure things out as fast as I can, and just keep plugging at it.
Still like that analogy to being like working on a law degree. But like where the changes are continuous, and you're creating the curriculum, testing yourself, and few people recognize it.
But more people are, am sure.
James Harris
One good thing that DID happen was got a job in the heating and air industry, which lasted under two months, but am certain was a net positive. (Did help my perspective to watch the documentary Fired! from 2007, where Annabelle Gurwitch with some comedy handles that weighty subject.)
So yeah GOT a job thankfully--where was entry level as a helper, and was using NONE of the training had received before as was primarily work installing air conditioning and heating systems. My training was primarily on service. But was ok at first. Am handy with power tools and could handle moving around a construction area. Still was disconcerting at times being in the rafters wondering how I got there.
Am 49 years old. Have been an office worker my entire life. Even in the military worked in big hospitals and NOT in the field. Still I think I DID manage ok. But yeah, got fired so here is bit more on that story as worked with mostly a great group of folks. And got a LOT of help from very patient and knowledgeable people trying to train a newbie. But also ran into trouble with exactly TWO people who were, let's say relentlessly hostile.
With one reported to a manager, which just made him madder. And fired up the other who went over the line and I reported him to HR. And was to meet with the HR person in the morning the next day. But that morning before that meeting, got called in by the manager and told was fired. Ok, so enough there.
Good news is got a good introduction into the heating and air industry which was more complete and yeah, could actually hold my own. And noticed could handle the other things basic to a job, like showed up always on time and was never late. Worked hard the entire time, as was a point of pride for me which was glad to know had kept. It felt good to be working again, while it lasted.
Also did get some paychecks which gives me some room for proper planning for the next steps. Where yeah, good planning should work better. Was glad for the opportunity but felt rushed into getting ANYTHING before. Now can take more time and plan better.
Oh yeah, so why do I even need to go into another industry when have a degree in physics and experience as a software developer? Good question. More and more am wondering about some of my decision-making and yup, am looking to rely more on others. Reality is haven't really tested potential of my degree or full work experience because of the other things, which I used to like to call the wacky.
So yeah, am better at realizing that knowing have a web reach of 100+ countries EVERY single year is something need to fully understand. And yeah, am being correct that is a business risk for others.
For those who wonder, yeah I have on my resume for that reason. But don't think it necessarily registers with people for some reason. Best guess is: web is so new! There isn't framework maybe to process that information for most? Yeah considering am struggling with it myself, but also am at the center of the storm is how I like to put it. Is hard for me to get outsider perspective.
The web has introduced so many unknowns.
And at least am beyond thinking can just ignore certain facts. Even being potentially known in over 100 countries is not something you can just ignore. Duh. But I have tried before.
And why would I? Because so far so much of it is mysterious as have talked here, or contrary to my expectations, and especially so far, seems bizarrely distant from me making MONEY so it can be infuriating as well.
But you gotta pay the bills, you know? Yeah, of course you do. We all do, one way or another or somebody has to for us. And I need to be back fully in charge.
Oh, yeah, but that 100+ number comes from my open source software project Class Viewer. Which is a tool for Java developers so also there is that comfort that am providing community support myself.
And have plenty of things shared, like here! Where like to think is helpful for our world.
Yeah it is odd to realize that from objective evidence, not my fantasy but data from others, have that global reach.
The exposure at this level is also something has to be considered. Thankfully recent experience let me compare local press coverage exposure as have talked here (here's a link to a video), so can try to get a better handle that way too now.
It IS so very new the reality we have. The web has changed so much.
And guess I get to be one of the pathfinders out here which have noted before. Challenges? Ok. Will handle as best I can. Figure things out as fast as I can, and just keep plugging at it.
Still like that analogy to being like working on a law degree. But like where the changes are continuous, and you're creating the curriculum, testing yourself, and few people recognize it.
But more people are, am sure.
James Harris
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Growing up different
Growing up as a Black person in the American Deep South was also growing up told was gifted, and could be anyone I wanted: First college course when was 12 at Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College; Couple of summers at Duke University for their Talent Identification Program; And on to Vanderbilt University when graduated high school with highest SAT of my class.
And did get my B.Sc. in Physics in four years.
But what did I really wish to be?
Now like to call myself a meta innovator, and worked to dominate a search on.
Have posted here about certain things somewhat with: When civilization advances
But realized there can be many questions still I should try to answer.
Have had more than 23 years since my first major math discovery. Has been about 15 years since I dramatically demonstrated a problem with the foundations of mathematics. And over 3 years since functionally defined entertainment with a world of changes since then.
Older views on race ARE collapsing as more people learn was just a social construct--made up by racists. And the web helps a world of humans better keep up with human reality.
Human is human.
The world does keep up with me more than I like to admit in ways, while have routinely talked my global reach which is 100+ countries annually. Though for that number primarily reference my open source project for software developers. But that gives me my most direct objective evidence from downloads.
And my struggles with finding my proper place in this world are not that surprising to me. For someone like myself making money becomes a bigger question which has implications for human society in general. And my studies of money and economics are already changing our world as can more simply make the case for things like gender equality and proper pay.
Must work now to find place for my best work for pay and I relish the challenge. My greatest intellectual accomplishments am confident are behind me. The shattering of past things that did not work for simpler intellectual tools that do is a wonder that I appreciate.
But finding my place working shoulder to shoulder with my fellow human beings is what will bring me most satisfaction in life, am sure. And is key to taking care of myself and being able to support a family.
Is worth my best efforts there as well.
James Harris
And did get my B.Sc. in Physics in four years.
But what did I really wish to be?
Now like to call myself a meta innovator, and worked to dominate a search on.
Have posted here about certain things somewhat with: When civilization advances
But realized there can be many questions still I should try to answer.
Have had more than 23 years since my first major math discovery. Has been about 15 years since I dramatically demonstrated a problem with the foundations of mathematics. And over 3 years since functionally defined entertainment with a world of changes since then.
Older views on race ARE collapsing as more people learn was just a social construct--made up by racists. And the web helps a world of humans better keep up with human reality.
Human is human.
The world does keep up with me more than I like to admit in ways, while have routinely talked my global reach which is 100+ countries annually. Though for that number primarily reference my open source project for software developers. But that gives me my most direct objective evidence from downloads.
And my struggles with finding my proper place in this world are not that surprising to me. For someone like myself making money becomes a bigger question which has implications for human society in general. And my studies of money and economics are already changing our world as can more simply make the case for things like gender equality and proper pay.
Must work now to find place for my best work for pay and I relish the challenge. My greatest intellectual accomplishments am confident are behind me. The shattering of past things that did not work for simpler intellectual tools that do is a wonder that I appreciate.
But finding my place working shoulder to shoulder with my fellow human beings is what will bring me most satisfaction in life, am sure. And is key to taking care of myself and being able to support a family.
Is worth my best efforts there as well.
James Harris
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