Am in a unique position appreciate more and more. My major stressor for over a decade has been trying both to handle global attention as revealed by third party sources like Google, Twitter and Pinterest though web analytics, but also to appreciate my own mental fragility in certain areas.
Before did glide along as like to say, with a sense of handling things and taking care of myself as a very independent person, while feeling frustrated with my wariness in relationships.
And THOUGHT was more advanced in talking sexual abuse by two teenage girl babysitters when was 5.
But was shocked to get massive relief recently by FINALLY talking being beaten till I bled by my father when was 6. Where concluded was legacy slave training, which afflicts a population in the US not facing a brutal legacy.
Can be difficult to explain my mental things I think, even to myself. Feel like is against my training to properly accept. And now have come up with an analogy I find useful and will share as think will probably use a lot if really works well.
Like imagine a runner, who develops a hairline fracture in one or both legs, and GOES TO a doctor, who diagnoses it, and gets a treatment plan, which includes plenty of leg rest. But that runner's family? Gets tired of that person lying around and suggests is actually lazy...why not running like in the past? (Even though doing OTHER things MASSIVE with global reach, just not...running while legs are healing.)
And let us say that person exhausts family support and goes to others. And gets shocked at times, by a jolt, from some people supposedly helping trying to jolt into a run!!! Turns out? These people are looking at the person and are like, they don't see anything wrong.
Ok, well doctor...they don't believe in doctors, or any of that nonsense...they just know when people don't want to work! Or, um run. And this analogy begins to stretch credulity with PHYSICAL concerns.
But how many may know people who do NOT believe in mental health concerns? Maybe do not believe in any of it, think is all a way for lazy people to get over or, maybe think they just need religion? Or something else wacky?
So they PUSH and can happen that there is some break, as a person in mental and emotional AGONY, can respond like someone who has a hairline fracture in their legs being pushed into running all out, by others who refuse to care.
Am lucky though. As I process through my situation am more into leveraging it as well. And more into having no pity: if you are supposed to help people and refuse to accept medical diagnosis? Then I have no problem with that not working out well for you.
As get useful medical care, and continuing support thanks to being a veteran, and thanks to Bibb County, through Macon Housing Authority, appreciate the simplest thing: support that has the goal of real recovery.
Have run into people who clearly prefer to play games with other people's lives. And I'm like, ok.
We will witness, where we are the world, how that works out for you.
Which to me is a promise of transparency and as well as I can, best process.
Public works better for both. And in my opinion, is far safer too.
James Harris
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
When truth is of hurt
There can be a problem with shame. Am 50 years old now, and most of my life have been ashamed of the fierce beatings received as a child. Including my most memorable one at 6 years old when was beaten so badly with a leather belt, my legs were bleeding.
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
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