Have learned much by so many people talking out personal truths in our times. And is such a great thing where maybe will appreciate more in time. And have talked out my own things.
But learned to share at a young age, so told my therapist when was 12 about a sexual event with two teenage sisters who were baby-sitting. The Down's girls, as give last names. One watched while other tried to have sex with me on top. They were probably in early teens, maybe 13 or 14. Remember that vividly though age 5, and as an adult had a bizarre therapy session on the subject. When decided I maybe needed a sex therapist as had talked to so many other type therapists through the years where wondered what good it was.
So the one therapist I got who supposedly specialized in people who were sexually abused argued with me about how well a 5 year old could complete a sexual act, going on and on about not having equipment that was large enough. Like an idiot I kept with that therapist until I quit a job, so the insurance would run out, and could gracefully exit.
Learned the power of personal truths also with my mother and her abusive husband. Found out in shock when was 17 years old and she had a bruised eye claiming she'd hit a door. I tried to do my part with confrontations and calling the police. My crying mother proclaimed her love for him and refused to prosecute. I went on to college at Vanderbilt University on a full-tuition scholarship, and got my degree in physics in 4 years.
But only talked the situation in my hometown area recently, when after a drunken night when I don't remember but suspect my also drunk stepfather decided to pick a fight, he took off. When walking about with my mother and people would ask where he was, I'd simply tell them. Talk about how he was abusive and they were so shocked. My Mom protested slightly but got used to it. When I went into homeless rehab for vets, and he returned, things changed.
Now my mother has stopped drinking though I do not credit my efforts there. But still is good. And my stepfather has she claims drastically reduced his own. Maybe my calm insistence he'd eventually end up in Georgia state prison, as I'd make it my life's mission to make sure he got prosecuted if necessary, had some impact.
Why do such things so often remain behind closed doors? When people who air their personal truths can gain such a strength from it? Am not sure. And do we really?
Or in airing the truth do you find that keeping a lie even if by implication that all is well was simply too tiring.
The sexually charged environment in which I grew up was so counter to the fundamentalist Christian religion in which was indoctrinated. And yes, the Down's girls were members of that too, and in thinking back suspect they were victims of abuse themselves. So I tell myself. Probably.
My own curiosity with sex charged at such a young age would be a constant source of personal torment with a religion that preached one thing, where I knew so many who clearly operated in another way. And was SO curious. So much just wanted to know then. And feared myself growing up to be a monster myself. Would I end up a predator too? Wondering.
Till found myself even in reacting against my religion when escaped to college still more puritanical in my behavior, if not my attitudes of what I told myself should be possible. Told myself I wanted to do more, though just didn't. (Drank a lot but that was about it.)
Would take getting to the US Army when enlisted after graduating from college to gain a little more freedom. And thankfully when went into my 40's simply found certain desires lessened enough that I no longer cared. And simple celibacy became a convenience if not a moral or religious imperative.
So many people get messed up over sex, until for some like me, is just so much simpler when it just drifts away.
Personal truths are changing our world. People can talk these things out. And others can decide to read or not, or otherwise consider or not.
Your life is defined by such things whether you tell them or not, firmly believe. Know so much in mine continues to be.
Will admit I like that easier feeling obtained with these ones shared.
James Harris
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