There is a thing had heard of where adults who have experienced childhood abuse can suddenly start having serious problems after years of doing ok. Or apparently doing ok, and having struggled through several bouts of that happening, feel like explains much.
But have had therapists since I was 12 years old, and routinely actively sought. The abuse came up as I brought it up, but especially as got older felt like was never addressed really. My one attempt at simply picking a sex abuse therapist went weirdly wrong. Actually decided to quit with them from that point until pressured back into therapy by my family recently, who were watching me spend day after day in a room mostly on the web.
And I felt safe. Like had never really felt before. Safe in that room and I didn't understand till recently.
Where had been very functional despite so much before. Like went off to college and had a serious drinking problem but got my degree in 4 years. Enlisted in the US Army after and did ok. Didn't do great, and still had a drinking problem, but was worst of it, though struggled with relationships usually not having any. Thankfully left the military after 5 years active duty with an honorable discharge.
And you DO get tired of the idea of this known problem you do not know how to handle, do not know why is still there, and try and try to get help. And I've kept finding myself spending lots of times in a room, on the web, feeling safe.
Got on VA healthcare and again, with opportunity to have mental health help, no focus was on as an adult survivor who maybe had a collapse of coping mechanisms though they ask the questions. You do the intake and the questions are there and I'd answer honestly, then feel like treatment was winging it, where usually had to PUSH for mental health. Then have a puzzled provider struggling to figure out what was wrong with me, where felt like was doing my best to explain.
Yet do feel better now. The recent stories in the news helped. Feeling like was part of it all in my own way like just with posting about, or linking to stories, helped IMMENSELY. And didn't feel just so lost like nothing made sense. Still there are consequences. So much time in a room to feel safe is not making money. While tried desperately to figure out a way on the web with little success.
But web things have talked probably made it impossible anyway. I DO get recognized. And you can even see with post I wrote talking about heading towards homelessness that there are consequences possible when I can just talk things on one of my blogs.
Businesses take a risk with someone like me just on that ability and propensity alone.
Part of me feels like if understood better could have figured out the money side, but also web is in flux. And ways to make money are still evolving. Part of my situation is almost like an entertainer needing an agent, but am NOT an entertainer.
Maybe should just be happy with the healing and really am. Yes, messing up with an apartment where placed as a struggling vet is not something I like. But have done my best.
Should admit at this point? NONE of the government agencies are even calling me any more. When they were supposed to, like return on things or said would. Not sure is from fear after my posting or simply exasperation. Is worth noting here though.
Update February 3rd: That has changed at least. Posting here does seem to help.
But am healthy and happier and feel like have accomplished things. Can figure out money, eventually. And get another place even if end up homeless for a bit. Thinking now have useful answers, finally.
Web helped me get in this mess, and eventually figure will help me out. But I so DO love the web.
Maybe just ask of the web, too much.
Primary thing is to build on positives. So do feel good there, and will work on the rest.
James Harris
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