Am in a unique position appreciate more and more. My major stressor for over a decade has been trying both to handle global attention as revealed by third party sources like Google, Twitter and Pinterest though web analytics, but also to appreciate my own mental fragility in certain areas.
Before did glide along as like to say, with a sense of handling things and taking care of myself as a very independent person, while feeling frustrated with my wariness in relationships.
And THOUGHT was more advanced in talking sexual abuse by two teenage girl babysitters when was 5.
But was shocked to get massive relief recently by FINALLY talking being beaten till I bled by my father when was 6. Where concluded was legacy slave training, which afflicts a population in the US not facing a brutal legacy.
Can be difficult to explain my mental things I think, even to myself. Feel like is against my training to properly accept. And now have come up with an analogy I find useful and will share as think will probably use a lot if really works well.
Like imagine a runner, who develops a hairline fracture in one or both legs, and GOES TO a doctor, who diagnoses it, and gets a treatment plan, which includes plenty of leg rest. But that runner's family? Gets tired of that person lying around and suggests is actually lazy...why not running like in the past? (Even though doing OTHER things MASSIVE with global reach, just not...running while legs are healing.)
And let us say that person exhausts family support and goes to others. And gets shocked at times, by a jolt, from some people supposedly helping trying to jolt into a run!!! Turns out? These people are looking at the person and are like, they don't see anything wrong.
Ok, well doctor...they don't believe in doctors, or any of that nonsense...they just know when people don't want to work! Or, um run. And this analogy begins to stretch credulity with PHYSICAL concerns.
But how many may know people who do NOT believe in mental health concerns? Maybe do not believe in any of it, think is all a way for lazy people to get over or, maybe think they just need religion? Or something else wacky?
So they PUSH and can happen that there is some break, as a person in mental and emotional AGONY, can respond like someone who has a hairline fracture in their legs being pushed into running all out, by others who refuse to care.
Am lucky though. As I process through my situation am more into leveraging it as well. And more into having no pity: if you are supposed to help people and refuse to accept medical diagnosis? Then I have no problem with that not working out well for you.
As get useful medical care, and continuing support thanks to being a veteran, and thanks to Bibb County, through Macon Housing Authority, appreciate the simplest thing: support that has the goal of real recovery.
Have run into people who clearly prefer to play games with other people's lives. And I'm like, ok.
We will witness, where we are the world, how that works out for you.
Which to me is a promise of transparency and as well as I can, best process.
Public works better for both. And in my opinion, is far safer too.
James Harris
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
When truth is of hurt
There can be a problem with shame. Am 50 years old now, and most of my life have been ashamed of the fierce beatings received as a child. Including my most memorable one at 6 years old when was beaten so badly with a leather belt, my legs were bleeding.
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
Yet talked about sexual abuse when was 5, from teen girl babysitters, since was 12.
But overcame my shame and finally talked: Facing the legacy of American slavery
Where I think is a lot of shame on the subject in the United States. But our country needs to move beyond shame for better conversation, for progress.
There are Black parents I know in the Deep South who will fiercely defend beating their children, claiming is discipline. When best explanation in my opinion is those parents are preparing those children for whipping from slave masters, who are long gone.
Yet how can you convince them?
Found myself finally in a better situation thanks to the Macon Housing Authority, where was given a reprieve from housing pressure, with a voucher, and also got mental health treatment, way better than from the VA. And kind of collapsed a bit as if some part of me could finally relax.
My sleep was wilder and would wake up with strained left hand, and arm too at times. What was going on through the night? How does a mind work to heal? Could feel like that work was happening. There was a sense of some part of me finally relaxing enough to begin healing.
Our nation can talk American slavery and its legacy. Our country can help people move on from what was beaten into them in the past to do their best to survive a continuing horror.
We can treat our people better. We can teach respect for a safe personal space. And we can take care of our children, better.
The United States of America can do so much, when our country really tries. I have faith.
Am thankful for so much, as continue to receive needed support. Including a 21st century perspective which considers mental health to be important with physical health, so a person can have total health.
And lets me talk these things out publicly.
So yeah Macon Housing Authority has been a HUGE help and contrast with what got through using things for veterans, where ended up evicted.
Talked with: Facing eviction now
And that program seemed great to me when signed up for it. What I did not realize is that if you were still struggling when it ended? There was NO further help coming, even though they told me. But you're like, must be SOME outlet, for an exit? Guessing they figured was on you then.
Maybe yeah should add: when they evict you? Law enforcement knocks on your door to inform you, and I was allowed to grab a few things. Knew was coming so was kind of prepared. And you leave the apartment, as a crew comes in and empties EVERYTHING from the place out in the yard in front of the apartment, in a massive pile.
I stood on the sidewalk for a bit before calling the Veterans Crisis line, and being directed to Salvation Army. Called a taxi, thankfully had some cash saved for that purpose, and rode over.
But getting struggling veterans into housing, for even six months free with no help if they keep struggling? That is a puzzle to me. Puts them potentially into a MASSIVE squeeze situation which I faced. And when ended up at Salvation Army Shelter yup, were other veterans who had been in the same program also, who had ended up evicted.
Yeah thought I could do more than was mentally able to handle as am an eternal optimist, but had never been evicted before and if had realized full situation would have bailed out of the apartment sooner or maybe even, just not took it. Yeah, read post and can watch me struggling till got full answer: no further help available. Still it all worked out.
Luckily could go to Salvation Army.
But, yeah now, am VERY wary of help for veterans. Am extremely wary. But yup, still needing it. Will be so glad when I don't. Glad is here, but yeah, caution seems ever more prudent.
James Harris
Saturday, October 12, 2019
When you value your work
Have wanted to be a writer since was a kid, and should also add, after a short story as a child amazed adults around me. And luckily for me, am much into learning what something can take, and long ago learned to read a LOT, and very importantly--gather life experiences.
Which can be an excuse for the road not usually traveled often, but also can mean that you take for granted that making money can become a problem. Where also long ago accepted might not ever make a living as a writer. And for that reason and others, appreciate that I have a LOT of job related skills and like to think value doing a good job.
So when a burst of activity pushing trying to make a living with my own things, like my writing failed, and ended up evicted and in a homeless shelter, part of me was like, ok. But also was EXTREMELY disappointed as am used to succeeding at things when exert MAXIMUM effort. And I did try, very hard. Making money with my things still eludes me.
After months in the homeless shelter where being a veteran allowed that to even happen as they had started up a program for veterans, there was an opportunity opened up. I could go to VECTR center in Warner Robins, GA, USA, and get more help as a veteran. And thankfully was taken there.
Told them my story. And was reluctantly convinced more schooling could help and talked into a class on networking which would lead to CISCO certification. Was like, ok, well at least is in IT. But still, have a DEGREE in physics and have worked as a software developer AND have a current open source software product used all over the world. But hadn't figured out how to make money. Where was increasingly more suspicious--was something else going on with ME maybe?
But signed up for it, and then was told instructor wasn't available. And THEN was signed up for heating and air, and was like, huh? But what could I do? Had been in a homeless shelter for months, and became convinced of a new plan: would pick up new job skills so could at least make money and support myself.
Which made sense to me as want to be a writer, and would just be yet another move down a path that might not seem obvious to others, and could gather more life experiences. So I rolled with it.
Not surprisingly to me the classwork was easy for me, so was a top student, but have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University, so was like...duh. But lead to all kinds of things including a car and was very grateful, but also lead to housing from Macon Housing Authority.
And then realized also had some mental things going on that needed addressing. But the pressure was on to work, and with help, ended up actually working in the heating and air industry, which lasted for just under two months.
Am proud of the work I did. Consider that heating and air means as one business owner emphasized: workers are going in when those things are NOT working.
Like in Georgia, USA, can mean stunning heat, like going into hot attics where person is IMMEDIATELY drenched in sweat. Or in winter can deal with stunning cold.
Is actually a highly skilled profession too, where can be doing important electrical work in those conditions. And requires a basic level of ability at about the level of an entry level construction worker, including facility with a variety of hand tools. Luckily for me at least was good with a portable electric drill, which is used so much is like a third hand.
Here's a picture of my impact driver:
Love those things. Oh and got an idea from that removable battery it has--why not hotload electric buses? Bus with a low battery could roll in to depot, battery is switched out, and bus could immediately roll on. Have NO idea if that is already done or not, but like to just toss ideas out there.
But yeah was still definitely a newbie and was AMAZED at very patient teaching from technicians who were more patient and dedicated in explaining things to ME than I have ever been on the job. And guess it partly has to do with the reality they face: LOTS of turnover.
Was told often had to try to work with people with even fewer skills than I had, which amazed me.
But also worth noting something else I found out VERY odd and disturbing: when talked about going into heating and air with other veterans? Was stunned to often find they had also received training in it, but were they still doing it? No.
Is like is some go-to field for trying to introduce struggling people. Um, is an all-weather field that requires rugged individuals who can lift often heavy air conditioning equipment. Lugged quite a few rather heavy bulky items up stairs with sometimes one or more technicians helping.
That is NOT for everyone. And why try to shoehorn so many veterans into one area? And how does that impact reception in that industry?
People I interacted with were often amazing and got along well with them--except for TWO people who lead to me getting fired. Which was ok really. (Yeah write that. But yeah who likes being fired? I don't.) Had begun to really wonder about that path, like when was on a construction site on some beams looking down at the distant floor.
How could people supposedly working to help veterans be so casual with what it might take for any particular veteran to do a job?
And I think is just not really considering the details. Feel like they just know is an open field, which needs LOTS of people, where pay is good. Which to them is enough. It should not be.
In my case though realized, had other important things to work on, with my mental health, and a unique opportunity, which could not pass up. And now? Feel immensely better and really is about Macon Housing Authority. Where yeah that is including mental health care. And has been far better than support from the VA. Maybe VA should talk to them for guidance on better.
Sadly after the publicity was done, which included a LOT of television appearances, readily admit distanced myself from VECTR staff. Sure they were VERY helpful in ways, like helping me with food and money.
But more I talked mental health? More I realized was a subject NOT welcome. And when the pressure to just continue to some other job after lost that first one was relentless? I simply pushed away. Thank God.
James Harris
Which can be an excuse for the road not usually traveled often, but also can mean that you take for granted that making money can become a problem. Where also long ago accepted might not ever make a living as a writer. And for that reason and others, appreciate that I have a LOT of job related skills and like to think value doing a good job.
So when a burst of activity pushing trying to make a living with my own things, like my writing failed, and ended up evicted and in a homeless shelter, part of me was like, ok. But also was EXTREMELY disappointed as am used to succeeding at things when exert MAXIMUM effort. And I did try, very hard. Making money with my things still eludes me.
After months in the homeless shelter where being a veteran allowed that to even happen as they had started up a program for veterans, there was an opportunity opened up. I could go to VECTR center in Warner Robins, GA, USA, and get more help as a veteran. And thankfully was taken there.
Told them my story. And was reluctantly convinced more schooling could help and talked into a class on networking which would lead to CISCO certification. Was like, ok, well at least is in IT. But still, have a DEGREE in physics and have worked as a software developer AND have a current open source software product used all over the world. But hadn't figured out how to make money. Where was increasingly more suspicious--was something else going on with ME maybe?
But signed up for it, and then was told instructor wasn't available. And THEN was signed up for heating and air, and was like, huh? But what could I do? Had been in a homeless shelter for months, and became convinced of a new plan: would pick up new job skills so could at least make money and support myself.
Which made sense to me as want to be a writer, and would just be yet another move down a path that might not seem obvious to others, and could gather more life experiences. So I rolled with it.
Not surprisingly to me the classwork was easy for me, so was a top student, but have a degree in physics from Vanderbilt University, so was like...duh. But lead to all kinds of things including a car and was very grateful, but also lead to housing from Macon Housing Authority.
And then realized also had some mental things going on that needed addressing. But the pressure was on to work, and with help, ended up actually working in the heating and air industry, which lasted for just under two months.
Am proud of the work I did. Consider that heating and air means as one business owner emphasized: workers are going in when those things are NOT working.
Like in Georgia, USA, can mean stunning heat, like going into hot attics where person is IMMEDIATELY drenched in sweat. Or in winter can deal with stunning cold.
Is actually a highly skilled profession too, where can be doing important electrical work in those conditions. And requires a basic level of ability at about the level of an entry level construction worker, including facility with a variety of hand tools. Luckily for me at least was good with a portable electric drill, which is used so much is like a third hand.
Here's a picture of my impact driver:
Love those things. Oh and got an idea from that removable battery it has--why not hotload electric buses? Bus with a low battery could roll in to depot, battery is switched out, and bus could immediately roll on. Have NO idea if that is already done or not, but like to just toss ideas out there.
But yeah was still definitely a newbie and was AMAZED at very patient teaching from technicians who were more patient and dedicated in explaining things to ME than I have ever been on the job. And guess it partly has to do with the reality they face: LOTS of turnover.
Was told often had to try to work with people with even fewer skills than I had, which amazed me.
But also worth noting something else I found out VERY odd and disturbing: when talked about going into heating and air with other veterans? Was stunned to often find they had also received training in it, but were they still doing it? No.
Is like is some go-to field for trying to introduce struggling people. Um, is an all-weather field that requires rugged individuals who can lift often heavy air conditioning equipment. Lugged quite a few rather heavy bulky items up stairs with sometimes one or more technicians helping.
That is NOT for everyone. And why try to shoehorn so many veterans into one area? And how does that impact reception in that industry?
People I interacted with were often amazing and got along well with them--except for TWO people who lead to me getting fired. Which was ok really. (Yeah write that. But yeah who likes being fired? I don't.) Had begun to really wonder about that path, like when was on a construction site on some beams looking down at the distant floor.
How could people supposedly working to help veterans be so casual with what it might take for any particular veteran to do a job?
And I think is just not really considering the details. Feel like they just know is an open field, which needs LOTS of people, where pay is good. Which to them is enough. It should not be.
In my case though realized, had other important things to work on, with my mental health, and a unique opportunity, which could not pass up. And now? Feel immensely better and really is about Macon Housing Authority. Where yeah that is including mental health care. And has been far better than support from the VA. Maybe VA should talk to them for guidance on better.
Sadly after the publicity was done, which included a LOT of television appearances, readily admit distanced myself from VECTR staff. Sure they were VERY helpful in ways, like helping me with food and money.
But more I talked mental health? More I realized was a subject NOT welcome. And when the pressure to just continue to some other job after lost that first one was relentless? I simply pushed away. Thank God.
James Harris
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