There is a thing had heard of where adults who have experienced childhood abuse can suddenly start having serious problems after years of doing ok. Or apparently doing ok, and having struggled through several bouts of that happening, feel like explains much.
But have had therapists since I was 12 years old, and routinely actively sought. The abuse came up as I brought it up, but especially as got older felt like was never addressed really. My one attempt at simply picking a sex abuse therapist went weirdly wrong. Actually decided to quit with them from that point until pressured back into therapy by my family recently, who were watching me spend day after day in a room mostly on the web.
And I felt safe. Like had never really felt before. Safe in that room and I didn't understand till recently.
Where had been very functional despite so much before. Like went off to college and had a serious drinking problem but got my degree in 4 years. Enlisted in the US Army after and did ok. Didn't do great, and still had a drinking problem, but was worst of it, though struggled with relationships usually not having any. Thankfully left the military after 5 years active duty with an honorable discharge.
And you DO get tired of the idea of this known problem you do not know how to handle, do not know why is still there, and try and try to get help. And I've kept finding myself spending lots of times in a room, on the web, feeling safe.
Got on VA healthcare and again, with opportunity to have mental health help, no focus was on as an adult survivor who maybe had a collapse of coping mechanisms though they ask the questions. You do the intake and the questions are there and I'd answer honestly, then feel like treatment was winging it, where usually had to PUSH for mental health. Then have a puzzled provider struggling to figure out what was wrong with me, where felt like was doing my best to explain.
Yet do feel better now. The recent stories in the news helped. Feeling like was part of it all in my own way like just with posting about, or linking to stories, helped IMMENSELY. And didn't feel just so lost like nothing made sense. Still there are consequences. So much time in a room to feel safe is not making money. While tried desperately to figure out a way on the web with little success.
But web things have talked probably made it impossible anyway. I DO get recognized. And you can even see with post I wrote talking about heading towards homelessness that there are consequences possible when I can just talk things on one of my blogs.
Businesses take a risk with someone like me just on that ability and propensity alone.
Part of me feels like if understood better could have figured out the money side, but also web is in flux. And ways to make money are still evolving. Part of my situation is almost like an entertainer needing an agent, but am NOT an entertainer.
Maybe should just be happy with the healing and really am. Yes, messing up with an apartment where placed as a struggling vet is not something I like. But have done my best.
Should admit at this point? NONE of the government agencies are even calling me any more. When they were supposed to, like return on things or said would. Not sure is from fear after my posting or simply exasperation. Is worth noting here though.
Update February 3rd: That has changed at least. Posting here does seem to help.
But am healthy and happier and feel like have accomplished things. Can figure out money, eventually. And get another place even if end up homeless for a bit. Thinking now have useful answers, finally.
Web helped me get in this mess, and eventually figure will help me out. But I so DO love the web.
Maybe just ask of the web, too much.
Primary thing is to build on positives. So do feel good there, and will work on the rest.
James Harris
Monday, January 29, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Pondering personal truths
Have learned much by so many people talking out personal truths in our times. And is such a great thing where maybe will appreciate more in time. And have talked out my own things.
But learned to share at a young age, so told my therapist when was 12 about a sexual event with two teenage sisters who were baby-sitting. The Down's girls, as give last names. One watched while other tried to have sex with me on top. They were probably in early teens, maybe 13 or 14. Remember that vividly though age 5, and as an adult had a bizarre therapy session on the subject. When decided I maybe needed a sex therapist as had talked to so many other type therapists through the years where wondered what good it was.
So the one therapist I got who supposedly specialized in people who were sexually abused argued with me about how well a 5 year old could complete a sexual act, going on and on about not having equipment that was large enough. Like an idiot I kept with that therapist until I quit a job, so the insurance would run out, and could gracefully exit.
Learned the power of personal truths also with my mother and her abusive husband. Found out in shock when was 17 years old and she had a bruised eye claiming she'd hit a door. I tried to do my part with confrontations and calling the police. My crying mother proclaimed her love for him and refused to prosecute. I went on to college at Vanderbilt University on a full-tuition scholarship, and got my degree in physics in 4 years.
But only talked the situation in my hometown area recently, when after a drunken night when I don't remember but suspect my also drunk stepfather decided to pick a fight, he took off. When walking about with my mother and people would ask where he was, I'd simply tell them. Talk about how he was abusive and they were so shocked. My Mom protested slightly but got used to it. When I went into homeless rehab for vets, and he returned, things changed.
Now my mother has stopped drinking though I do not credit my efforts there. But still is good. And my stepfather has she claims drastically reduced his own. Maybe my calm insistence he'd eventually end up in Georgia state prison, as I'd make it my life's mission to make sure he got prosecuted if necessary, had some impact.
Why do such things so often remain behind closed doors? When people who air their personal truths can gain such a strength from it? Am not sure. And do we really?
Or in airing the truth do you find that keeping a lie even if by implication that all is well was simply too tiring.
The sexually charged environment in which I grew up was so counter to the fundamentalist Christian religion in which was indoctrinated. And yes, the Down's girls were members of that too, and in thinking back suspect they were victims of abuse themselves. So I tell myself. Probably.
My own curiosity with sex charged at such a young age would be a constant source of personal torment with a religion that preached one thing, where I knew so many who clearly operated in another way. And was SO curious. So much just wanted to know then. And feared myself growing up to be a monster myself. Would I end up a predator too? Wondering.
Till found myself even in reacting against my religion when escaped to college still more puritanical in my behavior, if not my attitudes of what I told myself should be possible. Told myself I wanted to do more, though just didn't. (Drank a lot but that was about it.)
Would take getting to the US Army when enlisted after graduating from college to gain a little more freedom. And thankfully when went into my 40's simply found certain desires lessened enough that I no longer cared. And simple celibacy became a convenience if not a moral or religious imperative.
So many people get messed up over sex, until for some like me, is just so much simpler when it just drifts away.
Personal truths are changing our world. People can talk these things out. And others can decide to read or not, or otherwise consider or not.
Your life is defined by such things whether you tell them or not, firmly believe. Know so much in mine continues to be.
Will admit I like that easier feeling obtained with these ones shared.
James Harris
But learned to share at a young age, so told my therapist when was 12 about a sexual event with two teenage sisters who were baby-sitting. The Down's girls, as give last names. One watched while other tried to have sex with me on top. They were probably in early teens, maybe 13 or 14. Remember that vividly though age 5, and as an adult had a bizarre therapy session on the subject. When decided I maybe needed a sex therapist as had talked to so many other type therapists through the years where wondered what good it was.
So the one therapist I got who supposedly specialized in people who were sexually abused argued with me about how well a 5 year old could complete a sexual act, going on and on about not having equipment that was large enough. Like an idiot I kept with that therapist until I quit a job, so the insurance would run out, and could gracefully exit.
Learned the power of personal truths also with my mother and her abusive husband. Found out in shock when was 17 years old and she had a bruised eye claiming she'd hit a door. I tried to do my part with confrontations and calling the police. My crying mother proclaimed her love for him and refused to prosecute. I went on to college at Vanderbilt University on a full-tuition scholarship, and got my degree in physics in 4 years.
But only talked the situation in my hometown area recently, when after a drunken night when I don't remember but suspect my also drunk stepfather decided to pick a fight, he took off. When walking about with my mother and people would ask where he was, I'd simply tell them. Talk about how he was abusive and they were so shocked. My Mom protested slightly but got used to it. When I went into homeless rehab for vets, and he returned, things changed.
Now my mother has stopped drinking though I do not credit my efforts there. But still is good. And my stepfather has she claims drastically reduced his own. Maybe my calm insistence he'd eventually end up in Georgia state prison, as I'd make it my life's mission to make sure he got prosecuted if necessary, had some impact.
Why do such things so often remain behind closed doors? When people who air their personal truths can gain such a strength from it? Am not sure. And do we really?
Or in airing the truth do you find that keeping a lie even if by implication that all is well was simply too tiring.
The sexually charged environment in which I grew up was so counter to the fundamentalist Christian religion in which was indoctrinated. And yes, the Down's girls were members of that too, and in thinking back suspect they were victims of abuse themselves. So I tell myself. Probably.
My own curiosity with sex charged at such a young age would be a constant source of personal torment with a religion that preached one thing, where I knew so many who clearly operated in another way. And was SO curious. So much just wanted to know then. And feared myself growing up to be a monster myself. Would I end up a predator too? Wondering.
Till found myself even in reacting against my religion when escaped to college still more puritanical in my behavior, if not my attitudes of what I told myself should be possible. Told myself I wanted to do more, though just didn't. (Drank a lot but that was about it.)
Would take getting to the US Army when enlisted after graduating from college to gain a little more freedom. And thankfully when went into my 40's simply found certain desires lessened enough that I no longer cared. And simple celibacy became a convenience if not a moral or religious imperative.
So many people get messed up over sex, until for some like me, is just so much simpler when it just drifts away.
Personal truths are changing our world. People can talk these things out. And others can decide to read or not, or otherwise consider or not.
Your life is defined by such things whether you tell them or not, firmly believe. Know so much in mine continues to be.
Will admit I like that easier feeling obtained with these ones shared.
James Harris
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Accepting the real behind the surreal
My story have concluded, is way weird. Back in 2008 do remember when the financial crisis hit, and was not touched. Was working at a large insurance company primarily doing data entry, and there were not cutbacks for us at that time. But could have been considered underemployed as with a degree in physics and ability to code, could conceivably have worked for much more.
Was in San Francisco having arrived the summer of 2005 in order to get work, and had happened quickly through a temp agency. And also most of my life have considered becoming a professional writer. The idea of the road less traveled has appealed to me often. Figured eventually might work for some tech company as a software developer. But was doing ok anyway, and enjoying the city.
Yet that blase attitude would change when a layoff did hit where was working, but still was not too worried, as was given a generous package, and started pondering what maybe should do with web things, which is where we get to surreal.
Was in San Francisco when web analytics arrived to my blogs, like here, when Google Analytics was opened up and was there around 2007 or 2008 found stats that stunned me. One of my blogs focusing on math had visits, according to Google Analytics from 125 countries. Another had visits from around 60, while this one was chugging along at only about 12, primarily English speaking.
For perspective, for ALL of 2017, checking for this post, Google Analytics tells me this blog had visits from 7 countries: US, Netherlands, Australia, UK, Canada, Switzerland and Saudi Arabia
Now then, for same period my math blog Some Math had visits from 59 countries. And my kind of general interest blog Beyond Mundane had visits from 68 countries. Started a new blog to focus on making money so decided to call Seriously Commercial for inspirational purposes with visits from only 22 countries for all of last year.
Back in San Francisco when FIRST was looking at such numbers they just seemed surreal.
It IS weird. How do you process such information? Web arrived and new possibles arrived with it.
Am realizing am living in one of those possibles without much guidance.
There was no indication beyond Google Analytics data. And none of the indicators that I had always thought would be there as I quietly learned was a global presence. And there was just these numbers.
So yeah when I got laid off seemed like an opportunity to figure it out and make the money I knew I SHOULD be able to make, which is still a work in progress. However, maybe understand it better?
Can you imagine? You discover that at least according to Google that you have people from all over the world paying attention to things you write on blogs? And that's it? And you're like, but where's the money? Where's the celebrity? Where's ANYTHING ELSE besides these numbers?
At one point after years of puzzling...no point in elaborating. Let's just say I tried to check things just about every way imaginable. And still am working at it. Could have given more global but just focused here on blogs.
The money is the hard problem and is an important one!!! Of course. But the mental stress is worth mentioning.
Thank God wanted to be a writer most of my life. Writers often struggle making money. And guess what I found out?
The one indicator that finally pushed me to accept was real was when that ease of getting a job went away. And guess, even if I do not understand, businesses understand that having an employee with a global base of interest? Well that's the kind of business risk apparently most are not willing to take.
Can you blame them? More I ponder, less I do.
That draw though is fascinating. And has NOT been commercial. The range fascinates me so much will admit would tell myself--quit giving out country counts.
But that is so much the data but also those are people out there. All over the world. And even if not some commercial number that human interest has been rewarding should make sure to have in here as well.
So really just have one more piece of the human story, trying to find a comfortable place in the digital age.
James Harris
Was in San Francisco having arrived the summer of 2005 in order to get work, and had happened quickly through a temp agency. And also most of my life have considered becoming a professional writer. The idea of the road less traveled has appealed to me often. Figured eventually might work for some tech company as a software developer. But was doing ok anyway, and enjoying the city.
Yet that blase attitude would change when a layoff did hit where was working, but still was not too worried, as was given a generous package, and started pondering what maybe should do with web things, which is where we get to surreal.
Was in San Francisco when web analytics arrived to my blogs, like here, when Google Analytics was opened up and was there around 2007 or 2008 found stats that stunned me. One of my blogs focusing on math had visits, according to Google Analytics from 125 countries. Another had visits from around 60, while this one was chugging along at only about 12, primarily English speaking.
For perspective, for ALL of 2017, checking for this post, Google Analytics tells me this blog had visits from 7 countries: US, Netherlands, Australia, UK, Canada, Switzerland and Saudi Arabia
Now then, for same period my math blog Some Math had visits from 59 countries. And my kind of general interest blog Beyond Mundane had visits from 68 countries. Started a new blog to focus on making money so decided to call Seriously Commercial for inspirational purposes with visits from only 22 countries for all of last year.
Back in San Francisco when FIRST was looking at such numbers they just seemed surreal.
It IS weird. How do you process such information? Web arrived and new possibles arrived with it.
Am realizing am living in one of those possibles without much guidance.
There was no indication beyond Google Analytics data. And none of the indicators that I had always thought would be there as I quietly learned was a global presence. And there was just these numbers.
So yeah when I got laid off seemed like an opportunity to figure it out and make the money I knew I SHOULD be able to make, which is still a work in progress. However, maybe understand it better?
Can you imagine? You discover that at least according to Google that you have people from all over the world paying attention to things you write on blogs? And that's it? And you're like, but where's the money? Where's the celebrity? Where's ANYTHING ELSE besides these numbers?
At one point after years of puzzling...no point in elaborating. Let's just say I tried to check things just about every way imaginable. And still am working at it. Could have given more global but just focused here on blogs.
The money is the hard problem and is an important one!!! Of course. But the mental stress is worth mentioning.
Thank God wanted to be a writer most of my life. Writers often struggle making money. And guess what I found out?
The one indicator that finally pushed me to accept was real was when that ease of getting a job went away. And guess, even if I do not understand, businesses understand that having an employee with a global base of interest? Well that's the kind of business risk apparently most are not willing to take.
Can you blame them? More I ponder, less I do.
That draw though is fascinating. And has NOT been commercial. The range fascinates me so much will admit would tell myself--quit giving out country counts.
But that is so much the data but also those are people out there. All over the world. And even if not some commercial number that human interest has been rewarding should make sure to have in here as well.
So really just have one more piece of the human story, trying to find a comfortable place in the digital age.
James Harris
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Wage, work and web
Our species has the first major technological advance in its history, as computers have fully arrived in many ways, which has lead to the greatest economic inequity in its history. Where I like simple explanation and that is easy to find.
For example, consider a worker today at a company who, with the aid of computers or things related to computers including the web, can do the work that was done by 4 or more people in the past. So you have a business which requires a worker for a task, and that worker brings value to that company, which is in excess of what any one person could do in the past and can be 4x but their pay?
Is possible that worker is making roughly the same as any one of those 4 workers in the past.
That money not paid in return for that value received to the person who gave it flows upwards to business owners, including stockholders when there are any.
Society in our times rather than focus on the value an individual brings to a business, has let businesses pay people based on a perceived value to their work, which is based on historical trends, now woefully out of date.
Computer revolution swept through rapidly.
The web has begun to help. As people share salary information that can push wages closer to the value you ACTUALLY bring to a company, but still, how do you know?
How does anyone know?
And turns out that the business does know.
The problem became so harsh and destabilizing that crippled economies were beginning to have difficulty functioning, as people are, thanks to computers, giving vastly more value than they are receiving in return.
Some communities are so destroyed, drug abuse and other dysfunctional behaviors are taking over for people who cannot understand why working hard is no longer enough in the US. Which is a troubling conclusion for me. And do NOT condone drug abuse but am not against looking for simple explanation there for explosions in rates of it in the US either.
While business owners have pushed the idea that they are simply smarter and better than other Americans. And some stoop to fighting to maintain low wages, knowing their employees barely survive and often require public assistance, as politicians begin to figure it out, and try to push for higher wages including by raising the minimum wage.
Good news is that in time balance will arrive as web facilitates flows of information, like here. As Americans especially escape the programming that we are vastly overpaid, and begin to focus on figuring out how much your work effort is ACTUALLY worth.
Especially if you realize--that business? Is likely lying to you about how much more you bring, when with computers you can do the work that 4 or more people were required to do in the past.
Do the math on what you SHOULD be making then.
James Harris
For example, consider a worker today at a company who, with the aid of computers or things related to computers including the web, can do the work that was done by 4 or more people in the past. So you have a business which requires a worker for a task, and that worker brings value to that company, which is in excess of what any one person could do in the past and can be 4x but their pay?
Is possible that worker is making roughly the same as any one of those 4 workers in the past.
That money not paid in return for that value received to the person who gave it flows upwards to business owners, including stockholders when there are any.
Society in our times rather than focus on the value an individual brings to a business, has let businesses pay people based on a perceived value to their work, which is based on historical trends, now woefully out of date.
Computer revolution swept through rapidly.
The web has begun to help. As people share salary information that can push wages closer to the value you ACTUALLY bring to a company, but still, how do you know?
How does anyone know?
And turns out that the business does know.
The problem became so harsh and destabilizing that crippled economies were beginning to have difficulty functioning, as people are, thanks to computers, giving vastly more value than they are receiving in return.
Some communities are so destroyed, drug abuse and other dysfunctional behaviors are taking over for people who cannot understand why working hard is no longer enough in the US. Which is a troubling conclusion for me. And do NOT condone drug abuse but am not against looking for simple explanation there for explosions in rates of it in the US either.
While business owners have pushed the idea that they are simply smarter and better than other Americans. And some stoop to fighting to maintain low wages, knowing their employees barely survive and often require public assistance, as politicians begin to figure it out, and try to push for higher wages including by raising the minimum wage.
Good news is that in time balance will arrive as web facilitates flows of information, like here. As Americans especially escape the programming that we are vastly overpaid, and begin to focus on figuring out how much your work effort is ACTUALLY worth.
Especially if you realize--that business? Is likely lying to you about how much more you bring, when with computers you can do the work that 4 or more people were required to do in the past.
Do the math on what you SHOULD be making then.
James Harris
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